Cheryl Anne's Eulogy

For those friends of Cheryl Anne Merrick who were not able to view her memorial service I have posted my eulogy at her memorial service here on her blog.  In preparing to post I realized that at the end of my talk about Cheryl♡Anne I failed to reiterate and summarize my introductory topical statement, as a good writer should do.  So, the added "I began Cheryl♡Anne's story" summary at the end is an addition to the spoken message.

  - Garrett Merrick

Thank you all for coming.  I want to acknowledge the music people, the Bishop, the RS & EQ presidents, and many others whom we know have helped to make this a special day for our family.  We thank Melode Blackmore for her wonderful support as our hospice nurse, and we thank those who provided flowers.  Any who brought flowers are welcome to take them home after the memorial service.  Teddi Stubbs has graciously volunteered to deliver any remaining flowers to ward members who need a little sunshine in their day.  We also thank Teddi for getting the painting of Cheryl framed, and a very, very special thanks to Kirsten Beitler, Cheryl♡Anne’s good friend who painted that lovely painting of Cheryl that you saw in the Life Display.

Nearly Home With Terminal Cancer

Things have been moving along quite quickly the last few days.  The ascites fluid buildup in my abdomen from the liver not functioning has become quite painful.  I am still fairly comfortable in a hospital bed.  The fentanyl patches and morphine are keeping me fairly comfortable.  I had expected that the morphine would make me dopey, but it doesn’t seem to be affecting my alertness much at all.  

The ascites has put so much pressure on my stomach that I can no longer eat, which is okay, since my digestive system seems to have shut down.  Since my stomach is so squished I don’t feel hungry at all.  I can no longer drink fluids, and I’m incredibly thirsty.   Since I haven’t eaten much this last week, or had water for a couple of days, I am very weak and doze a lot.  

Progress With Terminal Cancer

Making good progress this week on my path with terminal cancer.  I seem to be losing muscle mass and gaining ascites fluid buildup.  This is causing fluid pressure in my abdomen and on my dislocated rib and hip problem, and therefore is causing a lot of pain.  With the increasing fluid buildup in my abdomen I now have very little space left in my stomach for food.  This is causing major acid reflux.

We discussed these problems with my hospice nurse.  I now have a hospital bed, which my husband spent hours wrapping the mattress, trying to contain its perfume smell.  We also had to wrap the controls and wires with plastic wrap because I’m so allergic to perfumes.  It is helping me sleep better.

How I'm feeling this week

I am much more tired than I was last week. I can stand long enough to brush my teeth then I must sit down due to the pain from the pressure on my abdominal, back, and leg nerves from the ascites swelling (liver is failing and not filtering toxins out as it should). I can walk to the other end of the house, but may need to rest a while before I can come back. I can dress myself and am sleeping pretty well on my back with my knees up. I can eat, but only small amounts at a time and before 2 pm so I can avoid major heartburn. I don't have any appetite, but am able to get down my normal healthy foods. It really helps that my husband prepares the food and puts it in front of me. Also, my digestive system still seems to be working pretty well.

Choosing Happiness With Terminal Cancer

People have asked me how I’m doing, and I say “pretty good for the circumstances”.  The circumstances are that my ovarian cancer has returned and is progressing very quickly.  My cancer indicator number increased from 500 at the end of November to nearly 3000 the first week of January, and is probably far above that now.  I’ve had ascites for the last month, which is a fluid buildup in the abdomen that you get with end-stage cancer.  I no longer have any appetite, and I tire exceptionally quickly.  My eyes are having trouble focusing, so I can no longer ride in a car, read, or write.  My husband is very kindly typing this for me.  At moments, like when I realized I couldn’t go for a ride any more, or when I realized that I won’t be here for a holiday or a special occasion, I cry.  When I’m reminded that I won’t be here with my husband, I cry.  My emotions are very tender at this time.  

Last Days with Terminal Cancer

January 11, 2023

I began Hospice care. Since I have so many problems with allergies and chemical sensitivities, it will be mainly just help with medicines and keeping me comfortable. 

My cancer CA125 count went from nearly 500 the end of November to nearly 3,000 on January 9th. 

Each day I am more tired. I can still walk around my home pretty well, dress myself, and send a few emails. I have ascites, but after putting on ten pounds in water last week, it is staying about the same. Sometimes I have a little diarrhea. By 5pm, I am so tired that I have a headache, chills, and am slightly nauseous. My sleep is light and I wake many times during the night. I can get food down, but it is hard to eat after 2pm. I am eating small amounts at a time. I don't have any appetite, and feel a little nauseous at the smell of food, but I can still eat a reasonable amount in a day. I walk very slowly and tired quickly. I feel better with a nap in the afternoon. 

Starting Hospice with Terminal Cancer

January 12, 2023

Last Friday, I started noticing that my tummy and legs were puffy. When I weighed myself, I found that over the week I had gained ten pounds in water. I remembered being at this point a year and a half ago when I was diagnosed with stage three ovarian cancer and recognized that what I am experiencing is called ascites. It indicates that my liver is not working well and is a sign that I am nearing the end with my cancer.


Though I'm incredibly tired and a bit achy, my lungs are still clear and everything is still working pretty well even with a cancer CA125 count of nearly 3,000. I am having to eat small amounts at a time since eating much gives me major heartburn. I also have no appetite and feel a little nauseous, but I'm still able to eat. I'm feeling very blessed, and today I'm enjoying the sunshine as we begin the process of entering hospice care.

Last Months with Terminal Cancer

 

January 2, 2023

My stage 3C ovarian cancer has returned after two surgeries, four chemo treatments, and a year of taking the cancer suppressing medication, Lynparza. My body began becoming less responsive to the Lynparza until we decided to stop taking it in October 2022. 

Since my blood pressure was dropping to a seriously low level, I was generally exhausted, my cancer was quite advanced, and there was no prospect of being cured, it became no longer advisable to try other treatments.  At this time, I am only taking vitamins. My CA125 cancer count had been doubling each month for about nine months and now is expected to be at least 1000. 

Lessons from Having Terminal Cancer

November 2022

One thing I have been learning this last year is not to fear. We can do anything with the Lord's help. I have had to pray for help to have faith and not to fear, and the Lord has helped me. When fear overtakes me, I can't feel the Spirit, then I'm really afraid. As long as I turn to the Lord for help and strength, He has been there to help me. I've even been able to sleep well right before both major surgeries. When I have done all that I can for my health, then I have been able to ask in faith for His help in my life. He is always there to help you.

A New Year with Terminal Cancer

 

My ovarian cancer marker number (CA125) has been doubling each month for several months. By the end of December it was 1,000, with 35 being the point where you have cancer. By the end of January it will probably be 2,000; the end of February 4,000; the end of March 8,000; the end of April 16,000. Knowing this fast rate of growth, that my late stage ovarian cancer is incurable, and that my body is no longer able to endure any further treatments to delay the inevitable, I have, quite naturally, been thinking a lot about death.

Trips during my last months with Terminal Cancer

The end of November, we went to Zion National park. It is less than an hour from our home. I enjoyed walking a little ways with my husband along the river. It is so immense and peaceful there. 

Seeing the Hope in Christmas with terminal Cancer

Christmas is such a special season of the year. It is full of twinkling lights, and the scent of pine and gingerbread. It is a time when Christmas music fills the air, presents are given, and childhood memories come flooding back as we spend time with family and friends. In this season, we celebrate the good in life and are reminded of what is truly the most important to us. 

Be Still, My Soul

Be Still, My Soul

My favorite hymn is “Be Still, My Soul”. This hymn deeply touches me each time I hear it. In fact, I’ve never been able to sing all the verses, because I get so overcome.

How I am feeling now the my cancer has come back

Even though my cancer is no longer in remission, I am feeling better than I
have in a very long time. A month ago I was having more trouble eating, having bad heartburn, and not only losing my appetite, but I was also losing weight which I couldn't afford to do. I was getting to the point where I was having trouble walking out to our vehicle. The fatigue was increasing and I was becoming weaker. The headaches were getting worse, and I experienced dizziness when I stood or walked. I was also having sharp chest pains and was out of breath when I did just a little bit. The toughest thing for me was the depression. I'd see or hear something, then suddenly burst into tears. My husband encouraged me to drink more water so I wouldn't get dehydrated! (He also gave me plenty of hugs.) 

When Ovarian Cancer is no long in remission

 

A couple of days ago I had an appointment with my cancer doctor. It was obvious that my body is no longer responding to the Lynparza chemo drug which I've been taking for the last year to prevent my cancer from returning. The doctor explained that this often happens after taking Lynparza for that long. It has been losing its effectiveness for some time. It only took six months after I stopped having chemo treatments for the cancer to begin returning. At first we hoped that it might remain completely in remission for five years, but that hope faded as my cancer count continued to climb.

What comes next with Ovarian Cancer and BRCA gene?

I have been struggling with writing this post for a month. I think part of the reason is a reluctance to worry others. Since my double mastectomy two months ago, a few people have told me how great it is that I don't have to worry about cancer anymore. I just couldn't tell them the real situation. Yes, it is true that with the BRCA gene, I had an 80% chance of getting breast cancer and that I now only have a small chance of ever developing breast cancer. This is wonderful and a great relief to me. 

It is also true that I am recovering well from the double mastectomy. Now, my thin scars are just a little tight, and I have some numb spots which should improve, but I'm not experiencing pain any more. I am continuing to do arm stretching exercises, and though I tire easily, I am able to do a little more each week. I can visit with family, go on short walks, ride my electric bike, and do a little light housekeeping such as wash some laundry, make beds, and dust mop.

How I am Recovering a Month After My Double Mastectomy

It has been a challenging month, but I am recovering very well. The doctors and nurses worked with me and used anesthetics which did not cause me to have allergic reactions. They gave me Benadryl before the surgery, used as little anesthesia as possible, chose the least reactive medications, gave me meds to counter the effects of opioids, and even used warming blankets* and leg compresses to help reduce the stress on my body. It really helped. 

I was walking a little in the hospital just a few hours after surgery. I had little dizziness or nauseousness and the pain was reasonable. Amazingly, I went home a little less than 24 hours after being admitted to the hospital. I was so grateful that our home is only 15 minutes from the hospital instead of having to travel for six hours to get home like I did with my hysterectomy nine months ago.

Thoughts a Few Days Before my Double Mastectomy

I feel a bit like I have been getting ready for a safari. I've had to get supplies together, study the route, and make a plan to meet the challenges. I know it will be exhausting, uncomfortable, painful, and even dangerous, but it will also be worth it. I trust my guide, and have a strong companion to go with me. All is nearly ready to begin. 

Yes, I'm physically prepared. I have discussed the possible problems with my surgeon. My home is clean, food is stocked up and meals cooked. Also, I  have old comedy videos to help divert me afterward from the trauma my body is experiencing. I have also been spiritually preparing through daily reading of the scriptures, praying, and listening to General Conference talks. 

I had to Go Beyond Logic to Heal from Cancer

 

When I saw this video, The Binding, about Abraham and his son, Isaac, I cried.  Abraham knew that it didn't make sense to offer up his son. He knew that he had been promised a posterity as numerous as the sands of the sea through Isaac. Amazingly, he had the faith to do what the Lord asked of him no matter how illogical it seemed, because he knew he could trust the giver of the promise.

Less than a year ago at the time I became ill with cancer, I was given a promise from the Lord that I was being given a chance to heal. I also knew that my stage 3c Ovarian Cancer had spread throughout my entire abdomen giving me a high cancer count of 1,900 (35 is the point where you have cancer) and just three months to live. How could I possibly be healed?  

Starting a New Year Living with Cancer

Though I am glad that my chemo treatments and ovarian cancer surgery went so well, I have to accept that I will never be completely "healed" from cancer. The fact is that most cancer just goes into remission and may return at some point (recurrence). Ovarian cancer is particularly known for cycles of remission and recurrence, especially when you are not diagnosed until it has progressed to a later stage. By the time we discovered that I had ovarian cancer, I was at Stage 3c which means that though it had not yet invaded other organs, cancer cells covered all my organs in my entire abdomen. Most of this cancer was destroyed by the chemo treatments, then all visible cancer was removed during the surgery, but microscopic cancer cells still exist within me which could possibly grow in some other part of my body.