A New Year with Terminal Cancer

 

My ovarian cancer marker number (CA125) has been doubling each month for several months. By the end of December it was 1,000, with 35 being the point where you have cancer. By the end of January it will probably be 2,000; the end of February 4,000; the end of March 8,000; the end of April 16,000. Knowing this fast rate of growth, that my late stage ovarian cancer is incurable, and that my body is no longer able to endure any further treatments to delay the inevitable, I have, quite naturally, been thinking a lot about death.

Thoughts on my brother's death

This is my favorite picture of my brother who died a few days ago of cancer. He was nearly 69 when he died. 

Though I miss my brother and wish he could have lived a longer happy life, I'm grateful for many things. I'm glad that he lived a whole year longer than expected. I'm grateful that he had someone to love, and who loved him, all his adult life and that she was able to be with him to the end of his life on earth. 

The Fragileness of Life

(This video is about a mother who confronts life's fragileness, and the comfort a young man* gives her. )

Today, my husband dropped his large, heavy ladder on his head. Well, not exactly on his head. It just grazed his forehead and left a cut a couple of inches long, but if it had hit him more solidly, he would not still be with us. 

As I sit here watching my husband sawing branches off our pine tree as he stands on a tall ladder, recent memories come to my mind. Last Saturday, I found out that my son was assaulted by a man while he and his family were at our local mall. It turned out that the man was an armed fleeing murderer. The man ended up in jail, and my son with a titanium plate in his cheek bone. 

Facing Mortality

This month we faced the prospect of my husband having a serious form of cancer. It made me appreciate him and the time we have here on earth even more. It also made me realize that we can feel peace no matter what happens in our lives. The emotion we did not feel was a fear of death. So much of the world lives in fear of dying, but the Gospel helps us to know that our lives do not end at death. We are assured that we will have our bodies back, whole and immortal, and that we can continue our family relationships. 

We are grateful to have been blessed with more time together. We are thankful for the  hope we have because of the atonement our Savior provided for us. 

(picture taken after he had had several precancerous spots burned off)

10 O how great the goodness of our God, who prepareth a way for our escape from the grasp of this awful monster; yea, that monster, death and hell, which I call the death of the body, and also the death of the spirit.

11 And because of the way of deliverance of our God, the Holy One of Israel, this death, of which I have spoken, which is the temporal, shall deliver up its dead; which death is the grave.

12 And this death of which I have spoken, which is the spiritual death, shall deliver up its dead; which spiritual death is hell; wherefore, death and hell must deliver up their dead, and hell must deliver up its captive spirits, and the grave must deliver up its captive bodies, and the bodies and the spirits of men will be restored one to the other; and it is by the power of the resurrection of the Holy One of Israel.

2 Nephi 9:10-12