Cheryl Anne's Eulogy

For those friends of Cheryl Anne Merrick who were not able to view her memorial service I have posted my eulogy at her memorial service here on her blog.  In preparing to post I realized that at the end of my talk about Cheryl♡Anne I failed to reiterate and summarize my introductory topical statement, as a good writer should do.  So, the added "I began Cheryl♡Anne's story" summary at the end is an addition to the spoken message.

  - Garrett Merrick

Thank you all for coming.  I want to acknowledge the music people, the Bishop, the RS & EQ presidents, and many others whom we know have helped to make this a special day for our family.  We thank Melode Blackmore for her wonderful support as our hospice nurse, and we thank those who provided flowers.  Any who brought flowers are welcome to take them home after the memorial service.  Teddi Stubbs has graciously volunteered to deliver any remaining flowers to ward members who need a little sunshine in their day.  We also thank Teddi for getting the painting of Cheryl framed, and a very, very special thanks to Kirsten Beitler, Cheryl♡Anne’s good friend who painted that lovely painting of Cheryl that you saw in the Life Display.

Nearly Home With Terminal Cancer

Things have been moving along quite quickly the last few days.  The ascites fluid buildup in my abdomen from the liver not functioning has become quite painful.  I am still fairly comfortable in a hospital bed.  The fentanyl patches and morphine are keeping me fairly comfortable.  I had expected that the morphine would make me dopey, but it doesn’t seem to be affecting my alertness much at all.  

The ascites has put so much pressure on my stomach that I can no longer eat, which is okay, since my digestive system seems to have shut down.  Since my stomach is so squished I don’t feel hungry at all.  I can no longer drink fluids, and I’m incredibly thirsty.   Since I haven’t eaten much this last week, or had water for a couple of days, I am very weak and doze a lot.  

Progress With Terminal Cancer

Making good progress this week on my path with terminal cancer.  I seem to be losing muscle mass and gaining ascites fluid buildup.  This is causing fluid pressure in my abdomen and on my dislocated rib and hip problem, and therefore is causing a lot of pain.  With the increasing fluid buildup in my abdomen I now have very little space left in my stomach for food.  This is causing major acid reflux.

We discussed these problems with my hospice nurse.  I now have a hospital bed, which my husband spent hours wrapping the mattress, trying to contain its perfume smell.  We also had to wrap the controls and wires with plastic wrap because I’m so allergic to perfumes.  It is helping me sleep better.

How I'm feeling this week

I am much more tired than I was last week. I can stand long enough to brush my teeth then I must sit down due to the pain from the pressure on my abdominal, back, and leg nerves from the ascites swelling (liver is failing and not filtering toxins out as it should). I can walk to the other end of the house, but may need to rest a while before I can come back. I can dress myself and am sleeping pretty well on my back with my knees up. I can eat, but only small amounts at a time and before 2 pm so I can avoid major heartburn. I don't have any appetite, but am able to get down my normal healthy foods. It really helps that my husband prepares the food and puts it in front of me. Also, my digestive system still seems to be working pretty well.

Choosing Happiness With Terminal Cancer

People have asked me how I’m doing, and I say “pretty good for the circumstances”.  The circumstances are that my ovarian cancer has returned and is progressing very quickly.  My cancer indicator number increased from 500 at the end of November to nearly 3000 the first week of January, and is probably far above that now.  I’ve had ascites for the last month, which is a fluid buildup in the abdomen that you get with end-stage cancer.  I no longer have any appetite, and I tire exceptionally quickly.  My eyes are having trouble focusing, so I can no longer ride in a car, read, or write.  My husband is very kindly typing this for me.  At moments, like when I realized I couldn’t go for a ride any more, or when I realized that I won’t be here for a holiday or a special occasion, I cry.  When I’m reminded that I won’t be here with my husband, I cry.  My emotions are very tender at this time.  

Hope and Peace with Terminal Cancer

 I'm writing this even though I am so tired, am having trouble eating, sleeping, and walking. Since I'm also having trouble focusing, my husband has volunteered to see what I have typed with my eyes closed and fix it for me. Why am I even trying to write when my health is going down so quickly? I am doing this, making this effort for those who despair, who feel overwhelmed and discouraged. So many are so young and don't see the bright future that lies ahead of them.

So, how have I had hope and peace through 60+ years of health problems, chronic fatigue, pain, and now terminal ovarian cancer? 

Last Months with Terminal Cancer

 

January 2, 2023

My stage 3C ovarian cancer has returned after two surgeries, four chemo treatments, and a year of taking the cancer suppressing medication, Lynparza. My body began becoming less responsive to the Lynparza until we decided to stop taking it in October 2022. 

Since my blood pressure was dropping to a seriously low level, I was generally exhausted, my cancer was quite advanced, and there was no prospect of being cured, it became no longer advisable to try other treatments.  At this time, I am only taking vitamins. My CA125 cancer count had been doubling each month for about nine months and now is expected to be at least 1000. 

Looking forward to being with my family forever as I have Terminal Cancer

As I am going through my last months here on the earth, I am preparing to meet my ancestors who have proceeded me. I don't want them to be disappointed that I didn't assist them while I was here on the earth. This is why I am now helping my family members by doing the Temple sealings so that we can live together in heaven as a family for all eternity.

Of course, anything we do here does not change the people in the spirit world unless they want to accept it. Some of my ancestors may want and accept the opportunity I'm giving them and others may not, but I would like to give them the chance to choose if they want to have the ordinances so we can live in our family together forever. (for more information see)

A New Year with Terminal Cancer

 

My ovarian cancer marker number (CA125) has been doubling each month for several months. By the end of December it was 1,000, with 35 being the point where you have cancer. By the end of January it will probably be 2,000; the end of February 4,000; the end of March 8,000; the end of April 16,000. Knowing this fast rate of growth, that my late stage ovarian cancer is incurable, and that my body is no longer able to endure any further treatments to delay the inevitable, I have, quite naturally, been thinking a lot about death.

Trips during my last months with Terminal Cancer

The end of November, we went to Zion National park. It is less than an hour from our home. I enjoyed walking a little ways with my husband along the river. It is so immense and peaceful there. 

What comes next with Ovarian Cancer and BRCA gene?

I have been struggling with writing this post for a month. I think part of the reason is a reluctance to worry others. Since my double mastectomy two months ago, a few people have told me how great it is that I don't have to worry about cancer anymore. I just couldn't tell them the real situation. Yes, it is true that with the BRCA gene, I had an 80% chance of getting breast cancer and that I now only have a small chance of ever developing breast cancer. This is wonderful and a great relief to me. 

It is also true that I am recovering well from the double mastectomy. Now, my thin scars are just a little tight, and I have some numb spots which should improve, but I'm not experiencing pain any more. I am continuing to do arm stretching exercises, and though I tire easily, I am able to do a little more each week. I can visit with family, go on short walks, ride my electric bike, and do a little light housekeeping such as wash some laundry, make beds, and dust mop.

We made it to our 50th Wedding Anniversary in spite of my having cancer

Our wedding day Aug 23, 1972

I am so grateful that we made it to our 50th wedding anniversary. Last year at this time, it looked doubtful that it would happen. Just a few weeks before, I had been diagnosed with advanced ovarian cancer (stage 3c), the BRCA2 gene mutation, and with a cancer count* of nearly 2000 with 35 being the point where you are considered to have cancer.

Aug 23, 2022

As a woman with a husband who is nearly 75, I had considered that I might become a widow someday, but I had never thought about leaving my husband a widower. I knew it would be so lonely not to have my husband here and how empty it would feel to not be able to share my ideas and experiences with him. I would miss having someone who could make my dreams come true and handle details for me. He has shared his strengths in logic, building, performing details, and managing finances, so that I could have more time to study and write. In turn, I have shared my ability to see the whole picture, pick up feelings, long range plan, and communicate. Together, we have been able to do so much more than either of us could have done separately. We have grown so much with the Lord's and each other's help. 

How I am Recovering a Month After My Double Mastectomy

It has been a challenging month, but I am recovering very well. The doctors and nurses worked with me and used anesthetics which did not cause me to have allergic reactions. They gave me Benadryl before the surgery, used as little anesthesia as possible, chose the least reactive medications, gave me meds to counter the effects of opioids, and even used warming blankets* and leg compresses to help reduce the stress on my body. It really helped. 

I was walking a little in the hospital just a few hours after surgery. I had little dizziness or nauseousness and the pain was reasonable. Amazingly, I went home a little less than 24 hours after being admitted to the hospital. I was so grateful that our home is only 15 minutes from the hospital instead of having to travel for six hours to get home like I did with my hysterectomy nine months ago.

Thoughts a Few Days Before my Double Mastectomy

I feel a bit like I have been getting ready for a safari. I've had to get supplies together, study the route, and make a plan to meet the challenges. I know it will be exhausting, uncomfortable, painful, and even dangerous, but it will also be worth it. I trust my guide, and have a strong companion to go with me. All is nearly ready to begin. 

Yes, I'm physically prepared. I have discussed the possible problems with my surgeon. My home is clean, food is stocked up and meals cooked. Also, I  have old comedy videos to help divert me afterward from the trauma my body is experiencing. I have also been spiritually preparing through daily reading of the scriptures, praying, and listening to General Conference talks. 

Making It To Trail's End

Thursday, my husband and I went to the Valley of Fire in Nevada. Though I couldn't keep up with the other hikers, or make it to the end of the trail, it didn't matter. I am grateful that I can get out and walk a trail, and that I can experience the beauty all around me.

After a year of treatments for stage 3 ovarian cancer, I am grateful simply to be alive and that the cancer is gone for now. I have experienced so many miracles this last year and feel very loved. Though I don't know how much longer I will be here, I know my Savior will help me to have the strength to face whatever I will need to and that He is helping me be happier and more at peace than I ever have before. 

Rebuilding After Having Cancer

I've been enjoying posting about our outings, especially our bike riding at Zion National Park. It has been so wonderful getting out again, but I'm concerned that I may have given a wrong impression. 

Yes, I have been blessed to still be alive after having stage 3 ovarian cancer this last year, but it has not been easy getting to the point where I could do things again. The chemo treatments I had and the chemo medication I am now taking both can cause debilitating fatigue. Many times, I felt that I just couldn't move, then I'd remember that movement was supposed to help this fatigue, so I'd get up and make myself start walking. I'm grateful for my husband who was my exercise partner and insisted we get out for walks even when I grumbled or tried to persuade him that we should wait for a better day. Though my enthusiasm was barely a flicker, I kept walking and it helped me move past the fatigue and feel better.

Another Spring, Hope After Cancer

I did it! I rode the four mile trail at Zion on my electric bike. I feel so blessed to be able to go to Zion National Park again, to still be alive after having cancer, and to be able to get out places.

Last spring, I was not feeling well. There wasn't any pain or anything definite, just a sense that something wasn't right. The main thing I noticed was that I was intensely tired after doing even small things. Having chronic fatigue and multiple allergies and chemical sensitivities, I was used to feeling draggy, but this seemed strangely different.

Second Week after Laparoscopic Hysterectomy for Ovarian Cancer

Two weeks down! I still have a long way to fully recover, but I can move around the house, put laundry away, and I am no longer anxious (that's a big plus!). I think I was seriously exhausted last week. Having a full hysterectomy, or any major surgery, when you are in your seventies is quite wearing.  Especially, when I also had a twelve hour round trip by car to get to the hospital and home again which was made more tiring by my four spinal injuries. All this was on top of four rounds of Chemo, having cancer and ascites (abdomen swelling with liquid; I had three months ago). I don't think that it is surprising that I was exhausted.

First Week after Laparoscopic Hysterectomy for Ovarian Cancer

I'm recovering very well after my surgery a week ago. There has been some things that I expected that didn't happen and other things that I hadn't expected that did happen. For one thing, I had expected a lot of pain from the incisions and uterus removal. Instead, I ache and am very tender, but there isn't the deep, sharp pain that I expected. 

I had been warned that there would be gas pains from the carbon dioxide they used to inflate my abdomen for the surgery, but I hadn't realized that they could continue for days. Many people (81%) only have gas pains for three days while it can go on for seven days for some people. Even though I walked as much as I could, I still have gas pains. It has been uncomfortable, but the anti-gas medication they gave me helped a lot. I did have the gas pains go into my shoulder which hurt, but it only lasted about half an hour and pain medicine (Tylenol) made it bearable.

Ovarian Cancer surgery went well

We arrived at St Mark's hospital in Salt Lake for my cancer surgery. The week before I had a CT scan and the day before my surgery I talked to the pre-op nurse, and had blood tests and an electrocardiogram done. All of which showed that I was healthy enough for surgery. The pre-op nurse was especially helpful. She took the time (3 hours!) to discuss all my allergies and other health problems and was there the next morning at 6 am when we arrived for surgery. She told the other nurses what they could use on me and what they couldn't. What a help and blessing that was!

Next, I went to the waiting area by the surgery room where I talked to my anesthesiologist.  From there I was taken to the operating room. As I was wheeled in, my anesthesiologist asked me how I was feeling. I said that I was a little nervous. She replied that she'd that care of that and came over to me and touched my IV. That was the last thing I remember until later that afternoon when I was in my hospital room.