Choosing Happiness With Terminal Cancer

People have asked me how I’m doing, and I say “pretty good for the circumstances”.  The circumstances are that my ovarian cancer has returned and is progressing very quickly.  My cancer indicator number increased from 500 at the end of November to nearly 3000 the first week of January, and is probably far above that now.  I’ve had ascites for the last month, which is a fluid buildup in the abdomen that you get with end-stage cancer.  I no longer have any appetite, and I tire exceptionally quickly.  My eyes are having trouble focusing, so I can no longer ride in a car, read, or write.  My husband is very kindly typing this for me.  At moments, like when I realized I couldn’t go for a ride any more, or when I realized that I won’t be here for a holiday or a special occasion, I cry.  When I’m reminded that I won’t be here with my husband, I cry.  My emotions are very tender at this time.  

So, the cancer is progressing quickly, and I am glad for that.  I’m glad that I will not have to suffer for a long time, that this will be over soon.  I am also looking forward to new opportunities for growth on the other side, and for being with family, and especially being with my husband again some day.

Though I’m incredibly tired, I can still dress myself and walk around the house a little.  I feel very blessed that I am in almost no pain and that I can still think.  I can eat and sleep pretty well, though I have to eat early in the day and take naps. 

I have really enjoyed this last week.  My oldest daughter has come to visit me.  Hot air balloons have come over my house.  My favorite hymns were played in church.  I celebrated a birthday with a granddaughter.  I had a good visit with one of my sons and with my other daughter who played her cello for me, and I talked with friends.  Though I can no longer read scriptures, I feel blessed that I was able to listen to audio recordings of scriptures and Conference talks.

My husband and I have had many special moments this week.  He has read emails to me and typed the responses, and is now helping me write a post.  He put away Christmas decorations, and with my directions he put up Valentine decorations.   He is reading a fun book to me.  We puzzled, and we watched some original Star Trek episodes in the evening.  We have really enjoyed being together.

Now that I’m in hospice there is a team of people who check on me.  The social worker called this week, and he said that many people have trouble with dying because they ask “Why is this happening to me?”  I’ve been thinking about that.  I wonder if they are feeling that they are only loved if they never have any challenges in life and everything goes just the way they want.  Some seem to think that having any problem is unfair, and that they “deserve” to have whatever they want whenever they want it.  I know that I am here on this earth to learn and grow, to develop my character, to strengthen my faith in God, and prove that I will follow my Savior, that He can help me become more like Him.  

For nearly 73 years I have had serious health problems, with a great deal of pain, fatigue, and frustration.  At first I wanted to bargain with the Lord that I would do all that He wanted if He would just make me well.  Finally, I realized that He loves me enough to allow me to have the experiences I need to grow spiritually.  I have learned that I do not have the strength to deal with all the experiences in my life, but I don’t need to be afraid, because my Savior has the strength and the power to help me do anything.

As I notice all the small blessings and help that my Savior gives to me each day, I am happy and feel at peace.