A Man's Point of View Being Married 50 Years

Would you wonder what your husband would say if he was asked why he is still married to you? This happened to us recently. I mentioned to a few people that it was our 49th wedding anniversary. Of course they congratulated us, then we were asked for our "secret". I immediately responded that you have to keep trying, have faith in each other, and become united on your goals. This is great advice, but it is my husband's response that still has me thinking. He said, "Take good care of her and she'll take good care of you." Today I asked him to explain what he meant by that. I thought other people might also be interested in what he said. It wasn't at all like all the hype you hear through the media pressuring women to tuck, fill, and lift to "keep your man". 

For Us by Cheryl Merrick

           For Us

He shops, cleans, does laundry,

and pays bills “for us”.

Allowing me the quiet time

I need to study and think,

so I can write “for us”.

Subsequent to re-posting For Us on Cheryl♥Anne’s blog, I read Designed for Covenant Relationships,  a recent Brigham Young University devotional talk which amplifies and clarifies the true principles behind For Us far better than did my poor words.  The author introduces her topic with these significant words:

 “We are deeply relational beings, designed for radical dependence and connection.  Marriage and family life . . . are not just the means to an end.  Familial love and belonging are the end.” 

This brilliant article  is a must-read.   The link is listed at the end of this post.

It’s quite audacious of me to claim that this short, simple poem is Cheryl♥Anne’s greatest, but I know its full meaning, since I’m part of it.  Notice that I said “part”, not “half”; Christ is by far the Major Contributor to this story.  It is Cheryl♥Anne’s greatest poem because it embodies the entire purpose of mortal life and the Gospel plan.  That purpose is unity in marriage - and a few ideas on how it is achieved.

The process started long, long ago when “intelligences” were united with a spirit body, thus becoming a united being.  The process continued when the spirit was united with a physical body and placed in a situation where that man or woman was given the freedom to choose between good and evil, while being subject to the demands and temptations of mortal life.  In other words, will the spirit control the body or not?  Joy in life comes when spirit and body are united to choose the good, which can only happen when we allow Christ to be our leader.

Then, if we are to become like God, another “added upon” event must occur.  A man and a woman must be sealed together eternally by God’s authority on earth.  But, that sealing does not make a man and a woman united.  It only gives them the opportunity to work at becoming such.  Remember Christ’s words: “if ye are not one, ye are not mine”.  

The greatest joy that can come to a man and a woman in mortality is to become one, to be united.  That is the essential message of For Us, not the writing or the laundry, but the unity

Could I Leave My Faith

As my father was dying, he begged me to come back to our traditional family religion.  He claimed that since all religions were about the same, it wouldn’t make any difference.  Though I knew it would mean so much to my dad, I didn’t do it.  Why?

To answer, I must go back to my college days.  I lived just down the hill from the University of California at Berkeley.  It was in the late 1960's, the age of Hippies, and “Flower Power”.  Youth were questioning.  They were tired of just being admonished to do as you are told.  They didn’t want to merely follow some traditional religion.  They wanted answers.  They wanted to know the meaning of life.  Some sought “enlightenment” in Far Eastern religions, and some in LSD (not LDS!) drug highs.  For most it was just a “fad”, but for me it was not.

I studied the major world religions and found some truths there.  I looked at Christian religions and found some truth there.  But it was not enough for me.  I wanted more than beliefs that some people had decided would make good guides for life.  I was looking for more.  I wanted truth, what was real.  I was looking for something that felt right.

One day I began to study The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I found again the real God, a loving Heavenly Father, whom I had known as a child until I became lost in all sorts of religious “mysteries”.  I learned that my life had purpose - to learn, grow, and become like my Heavenly Father, and that our Savior could help me reach my full potential.  I had always felt that loving relationships could not just end, and was thrilled to hear that we could continue in families after we left this life.  It all felt right and true.  It felt like I had rediscovered truths that I had always known.

It was like going from candlelight into the sun.  After years of searching, I had found not some man-made set of beliefs, but the truth I was seeking and could never leave.

Why I Became a Mormon

When I was eighteen and living close to Berkeley, California, I was looking for some teachings to guide my life. I wanted a happier life than I'd seen in my family.  I looked into all sorts of religions, even Far Eastern.  Nothing felt right and many of the things they said didn't seem just - such as if you were a little bit better you went to heaven or a little bit worse and you went to hell.  About this time I met a nice girl in a high school summer class, and we became friends. I was very impressed with the love I saw in her family.  I had never seen anything like it before.  I began to ask her questions, and she suggested I talk to some missionaries.  As I read the Book of Mormon, so many questions I had were answered.  Ideas just rang true.  They felt like things I had always known, but had forgotten.  Finally, two years and many, many questions later (I  had to be sure, for I knew this was the biggest decision I would make in my life), I finally joined The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  My parents weren’t very happy with my decision, but I was.  Through the years, these true principles have helped me to build a happy marriage and a strong family, and to see my health problems as opportunities to grow. I have never regretted my decision one moment.

We made it to our 50th Wedding Anniversary in spite of my having cancer

Our wedding day Aug 23, 1972

I am so grateful that we made it to our 50th wedding anniversary. Last year at this time, it looked doubtful that it would happen. Just a few weeks before, I had been diagnosed with advanced ovarian cancer (stage 3c), the BRCA2 gene mutation, and with a cancer count* of nearly 2000 with 35 being the point where you are considered to have cancer.

Aug 23, 2022

As a woman with a husband who is nearly 75, I had considered that I might become a widow someday, but I had never thought about leaving my husband a widower. I knew it would be so lonely not to have my husband here and how empty it would feel to not be able to share my ideas and experiences with him. I would miss having someone who could make my dreams come true and handle details for me. He has shared his strengths in logic, building, performing details, and managing finances, so that I could have more time to study and write. In turn, I have shared my ability to see the whole picture, pick up feelings, long range plan, and communicate. Together, we have been able to do so much more than either of us could have done separately. We have grown so much with the Lord's and each other's help. 

Building a Relationship Strong Enough to Withstand Cancer

Building a Relationship Strong Enough to Withstand Cancer

Sept 2021
When I started to write this a year ago, I had no idea what the year would bring.  I was surprised the end of June when I was diagnosed with stage 3C ovarian cancer and told that without treatment, I would have only a few months to live. What I thought of most was how I wanted to be with my husband and family. When we celebrated our 49th wedding anniversary a few weeks ago, I cried. I felt so grateful that we were still together and so overwhelmed with all the love and support my husband is giving to me to help me through the cancer treatments. 

As I've read the words I wrote, I've thought of my husband's commitment, love, and faith. He has told me how beautiful I am when I just have a few wisps of hair remaining. He has brought me food to eat, read to me, pushed me in a wheelchair, and done everything he could to help me. As he says, "We're doing this together."

It has been wonderful to have the supportive relationship we have built over these past 49 years to help me make it through these challenging times. Here are some principles which have helped us develop a relationship strong enough to withstand cancer. 

49 Years of Marriage - It has been worth it!

When I mentioned to a worker at the hospital that we would soon be celebrating our 49th wedding anniversary, she was amazed. She told me that she had all ready made two "mistakes" and was now in another relationship. As we discussed how we were committed to working out our marriage and united in our goals, she mentioned her doubts on her current relationship. He was too permissive with her two children (13 year old boy and 7 year old girl). I told her how that was pretty normal for most couples. One might allow the children to have more experiences out in the world (usually the man), while the other was more protective of the children (usually the woman). We discussed how you had to talk about these differences and work out a balance that would be best for the children at their current age. 

A man's point of view of being married 49 years

Would you wonder what your husband would say if he was asked why he is still married to you? This happened to us recently. I mentioned to a few people that it was our 49th wedding anniversary. Of course they congratulated us, then we were asked for our "secret". I immediately responded that you have to keep trying, have faith in each other, and become united on your goals. This is great advice, but it is my husband's response that still has me thinking. He said, "Take good care of her and she'll take good care of you." Today I asked him to explain what he meant by that. I thought other people might also be interested in what he said. It wasn't at all like all the hype you hear through the media pressuring women to tuck, fill, and lift to "keep your man". 

My relationship with a "Strong, Silent" man

A friend, knowing that I am a very creative person, asked me how I get my "man of few words" to respond to me. I told her a few things, but when I learned that she also had a "silent type" husband, I thought there was probably more I could say. She told me that my suggestions, as a person who has been married to "a strong, silent" husband for nearly fifty years, was a help to her. This made me wonder what else I could say and has encouraged me to share my experience here. I'm sharing in the hopes that it will help some of you frustrated wives out there. 

Several women have mentioned to me what a great husband I have and what a close relationship we have. I can tell that they are comparing their husband to mine and to our relationship and finding theirs not measuring up. I almost laugh because my husband is not a "natural" relater and our good relationship didn't just "happen". It has taken a lot of work, tears, faith, and nearly half a century of effort. It doesn't come cheap, but things of great value never do. If you are willing to do more than just nag your husband to change, or sulk feeling mistreated, here are some ideas for you. 

Marriage - Still working at it!

As a new year begins, I'm thinking about our 46 years of marriage. I can't help smiling as I remember all the times that a woman has said to me, "You are such a cute couple!", or "I wish my marriage was like yours.", or "I wish my husband was like yours." My reply? "We're working at it." I always sense that they are surprised. They seem to think that we have arrived at some point of perfection, or that I somehow managed to find a "perfect" man who is always attentive and sensitive to my needs.

When I was first married, I heard older women who had good marriages state that they had trained their husband well. I thought you train dogs, but you certainly don't "train" a husband!  I've changed my mind. I do think, though, that "teach" might be a better word.

Advantages of Getting Older

https://www.lds.org/media-library/images/mormon-channel-daily-quotes-meme-april-faith-1943084?lang=eng

Yes, there really are advantages to getting older. 

• I've lived long enough to see consequences of actions. Things that seemed to be bad at the moment have turned out to be good in the long run. For example, my poor health has helped my husband become very loving and supportive.

• I've learned whose advice I can follow. I've come to respect my husband's advice. I saw the counsel of the leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints come true. They counseled for years to get out of debt, live within your means, avoid Home Equity Loans, and store food and necessities. Those that followed this advice were all right when the "Down-Turn" came. 

• I've learned not to worry if children do immature things. They are learning. Have faith in them. Give them time, love, a good example, good principles, lots of encouragement, and trust God to make up the difference. Children usually become great adults because of, and in spite of, our efforts as parents.

What is Real?

I've had help in my life so many times. I know I wouldn't be here without God's help. Some people want proof, but that sure knowledge that I feel within me is more real than anything I touch, see, or smell. I know I've had help. Denying everything that isn't concrete is like living in a one dimensional black and white world. How do you touch hope, love, peace, freedom, beauty, and the spirit?  Like the wind, you can see effects of them, but you can't wrap up the thought and put it in a little box. There is so much more to life and it is just as real. It is what makes life worth living. It is what brings us joy. When I see the love in my husbands eyes and feel the joy of being with our family, that is what matters, that is what is "real".

Ensuring Happiness in the New Year

https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2010-05-12-good-things-to-come?category=topics/hope&lang=eng

This true story gives me encouragement and hope for the future. 

I have been feeling dissatisfied, ill at ease, that something isn't quite right--why? I should be ecstatic. We moved a few months ago from a place with lots of smog and cold winters. Now, we live in a desert and the winter is mild. The problems is that even though my environment has changed, I still need to change inside. I need to have faith that my life will be better here, and not let the past fifty years of chronic illness fill me with fear of the future and discourage me from trying to improve my life.

This morning I realized that I have to do more than wait for my health to improve, I need to take the action that will insure that it will be better. I need to do stretches and exercise, eat right, get plenty of rest, and monitor my medication.  If I want to improve my relationship with my husband, then we need to spend time together doing things we enjoy, and I need to share my feelings and needs.  If I am bored, then what can I do to serve others?

I am coming to realize that happiness isn't something to wait for, but something to work at. It is having hope for the future, then taking action to fulfill that hope. It is filling my mind with positive thoughts and keeping hate and negativeness out. It is trusting in the Lord and stepping forward into the darkness. Happiness is the fruit of faith.  I can ensure my happiness when I have enough faith to do those things which will help me to be happier. My happiness is up to me.

Falling Out and Falling Back In Love with a Spouse

https://www.mormonchannel.org/watch/series/his-grace/falling-out-of-love-with-a-spouse?cid=HP_FR_23-9-2016_dMC_fMC_xLIDyI-1_

I was very touched by this video. I guess it brought back memories. We just celebrated our 44th wedding anniversary. I can remember when I wondered if we would make it four years. How did we make it? Were we always happy?

I always envisioned people who were happily married after many years as always having a blissful relationship. I've changed my mind. I think they are people who simply didn't give up. They just kept praying and trying. They aren't quitters.

Sure, there were lots of times when we wanted to just run away, when we were discouraged, and didn't feel close. We were also aware enough to know that running away, wouldn't solve our problems. We knew we weren't very happy, but we also knew we wouldn't be happier if we divorced. Of course, there are times when you must leave an abusive relationship, then you should run as far and as fast as you can.  But this isn't what happens in most marriages.

Gays, Members of The Church, and Love

https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2015-01-1050-what-is-the-purpose-of-family?category=social-media-shareable-videos&lang=eng

As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I am pondering why some people are expressing anger toward my faith. It seems to me that they think we are full of hate toward people who are gay. This perspective appears to be founded on the fact that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints does not accept gay marriages. That is true. We believe that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained by God. We also believe in complete chastity before marriage and total fidelity in marriage. We believe that the greatest happiness in this life, and in the life after this, will come as we live in families. We firmly believe that the family is the basis of a stable society.

Does this mean that we hate people who do not accept and live our beliefs? Of course not. True, members of The Church are imperfect people and some have their own prejudices, but we are admonished to overcome these weaknesses and truly live with love as the Savior did.  He associated with people not accepted in his society - the publicans, the Samaritans, the lepers, the sinners, or those who had broken the Jewish law.  He showed deep love to all, and this is what we must also try to do.

Serving Children

When I started volunteering at our local elementary school, I was just trying to give myself something meaningful to do as my last child set off on his own, but soon my service became more than just an attempt to fill an empty nest. As the year progressed, my health quickly deteriorated. Spending the day with a class of energetic eight-year-olds certainly helped divert my attention from a nearly overwhelming sense of anxiety and from the exhaustion I felt due to not being able to sleep well. I also had to deal with considerable pain, and the knowledge that the doctors were not only unable to discover what was the matter, but could not give me any help or hope. Under these stressful circumstances, I found the warm, supportive atmosphere in the classroom very comforting.

Though I received a lot of emotional strength from being at the school, I came home completely exhausted. My husband understood how important this service was to me. He knew that I had an elementary teaching credential, but had given up a career in teaching to raise our four children. He also knew that I had dreamed of having a class of my own when our children were raised, and that this volunteering might be as close as I would ever come to realizing that dream. Because he understood, he said, “A teacher has to teach”, and he cheerfully got our dinner and helped keep up the house.

New Options

I felt like my life was withering. Because of health problems, I was going to be restricted to my home for an indefinite period of time. I felt depressed and wondered how I could manage, then a strong impression came to me that it was time for me to learn how to use the internet. So far I had simply avoided using the web, leaving all interactions with it to my husband, and, not being a very technical person, I had no idea even how to use it. Besides, I had heard that there were all sorts of evilness lurking on the net which, frankly, scared me.

Now, feeling I should learn to use the internet, I determinedly sat before my computer. My husband reassured me that all I had to do was turn off the computer if there was anything objectionable, and he had even bookmarked several sites for me, such as The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints site and some family history sites. I found that with just a few minutes of instruction, I easily learned how to find information on the internet.  Since I double check internet addresses before I click on them and stay with authorized and reputable sites, I’ve never encountered anything offensive. It only took a few days, and I was excited. Instead of being restricted, my life was opening up with more options than I had had in years!

Our Scripture Study

My husband and I felt something was missing in our scripture study. When our children were at home, my husband read from the scriptures after dinner while we cleaned up the kitchen. The children welcomed the company and enjoyed having something to listen to while they did the dishes. We stopped frequently to explain what words meant and to summarize or rephrase sections. My husband might even insert a child’s name in the scripture. Amid protests of, “Dad, it doesn’t say that!”, he’d finally admit, “maybe it didn’t, but it could have.”  Sometimes, we shared an experience from our lives which related to the scripture, and often, they shared experiences with us, usually from school. As parents, we had the clear goal of trying to help our children relate the scriptures to their lives.

Now that our children are grown and have homes of their own, my husband and I continue to study the scriptures. We follow The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saint’s course of scripture study for the year and attend our Sunday School classes where we appreciate the teacher’s insights. We read the small course guide which contains the reading assignments. We also read the footnotes in The  Church's edition of the scriptures, from the Bible dictionary, and articles which coordinate with our scripture study from the Ensign (adult magazine of The Church), occasionally sharing some thoughts from our study with each other. Though we learned a lot, we still felt that something was missing.

Including Parents Who Are Not Members In Our Temple Wedding

On the long ride from Brigham Young University to my home in California, I kept wondering how my family would respond to the news that I was getting married. My fiancee had asked me to marry him just a few hours before, and now I was on my way home to spend a couple of weeks before starting my last summer class, so I could graduate in August.

Though I was excited, I had a growing sense of uneasiness about how my family would react to my marriage, and especially to my being married in the temple. Four years before when I joined The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, they hadn’t approved, and things hadn’t changed.

When I arrived home, I lasted a whole ten minutes before I blurted out my news. My step-father seemed happy, but not my mother. During the next few days, she kept trying to discourage me from getting married: Did he really love me? I hadn’t known him long enough. They needed to meet him before they gave approval. I should wait longer, perhaps a few years. Right now wasn’t a good time for the family to have a wedding. I wasn’t being considerate of them. Besides, I was wasting my education. Other family members took me aside and counseled me to at least put off having children for several years and “enjoy life first”.

Since I hadn’t realized that my marriage would be such an emotional issue, I prayed for help in dealing positively with my family. I tried to understand their feelings. I was the first to marry in the family, and the only daughter. Not being able to attend my wedding certainly was not the wedding of their dreams.

Cycle Breaker

We left the Oakland Temple, two converts filled with optimism and determination to make a celestial family. A few years later, I was in tears. Where was the loving, unified couple we had hoped to be?  Our two fussy children hardly made us a happy family. What were we doing wrong?

As I saw us repeating old family traditions, I felt trapped. Neither of us had any idea  how to do better. It was then that we began to realize that we couldn’t change by ourselves. No matter how hard we tried, we would simply go in circles and never be free from the mistakes of the past.

We began to see that the power to change came through the atonement. This thought brought us comfort and hope, but we still didn’t know what to do. I know I prayed for my husband and children to change, everyone but myself, and suspect that my husband had similar prayers. I asked for help and nothing happened. I was discouraged.

Marriage Principles That Have Helped Us

I wrote this in about 2006 to answer a friend's question. In 2018 we just celebrated our 46th wedding anniversary, and it just keeps getting better and better.

I had just read this article in our church magazine* and remembered the question you once asked me about how to have lasting relationships. This couple is one of the happiest, most charming couples I have ever met. He is the Lord’s prophet and the leader of our church. They are in their nineties now and President Gordon B. Hinkley recently said:

     "I am so grateful for her. For 66 years we have walked together, hand in hand, with love and encouragement, with appreciation and respect. It cannot be very long before one of us will step through the veil (of death). I hope the other will follow soon. I just would not know how to get along without her, even on the other side, "(life after death).

Talk about a love story!

My husband and I both came from unhappy homes where our parents were divorced. We each joined The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in our teens and have tried to follow true principles instead of our parents examples. It has been very difficult for us, but we have learned so much, now we have a fulfilling relationship, and the joy of seeing two of our children happily married.