Marriage - Still working at it!

As a new year begins, I'm thinking about our 46 years of marriage. I can't help smiling as I remember all the times that a woman has said to me, "You are such a cute couple!", or "I wish my marriage was like yours.", or "I wish my husband was like yours." My reply? "We're working at it." I always sense that they are surprised. They seem to think that we have arrived at some point of perfection, or that I somehow managed to find a "perfect" man who is always attentive and sensitive to my needs.

When I was first married, I heard older women who had good marriages state that they had trained their husband well. I thought you train dogs, but you certainly don't "train" a husband!  I've changed my mind. I do think, though, that "teach" might be a better word.


For instance, my husband, a strong detail type, often ignores me.  I'll be talking away and notice that there is no response, not a "um-hum", not a nod, not even a blink -- nothing!  Of course, as a woman, I could sulk because "my husband doesn't love me" , and I did that for a while, but then I realized something -- when my husband is concentrating on something he doesn't even hear me, and even when he is trying to listen he often has so idea what to say, so he says nothing. 

To a woman, this behavior is considered rude. Women assume that men are the same as we are. Believe me they aren't!  Sure there are a few men who are naturally more sensitive, but even they may be unsure what their wife wants. Believe it or not, men simply aren't mind-readers. We women have our own emotional, value based way of communication. Men often have a more linear, straight logical approach to communication. Trying to communicate with women by telling them what to do to solve their problems, will inevitably end up with a wife with hurt feelings and a husband wondering what went wrong. 

Why? They each have different goals. The husband saw that his wife had a problem which distressed her. He wanted her to be happy again, so he does what he is good at; does the logical thing-- he tries to solve her problem for her. He reasons that she should now be happy and grateful for his help. But she did not want to be "fixed"; instead she wanted to vent her emotions, so that she could deal with them. The wife needed to explore options, but most importantly, she needed to have her feelings validated.  In her own way she did ask for help the help she needed, but it simply wasn't his way of communicating, so he missed it. 

A long time ago, I finally realized that my husband was not mean or inconsiderate, that he loved me very much, but he just had no idea what I wanted and needed. He needed me to gently explain my needs to him and help him learn how to meet those needs, so he could feel successful as a husband. I had to have faith in his love. I needed to trust his innate goodness and quit seeing everything he did as a test of whether or not he loved me.

So have we arrived? Do we always understand each other? Are we both always sensitive and patient? Do we never get upset or tired? Do people in "real life" completely change after they have been told something once? Hardly! Sure we are getting better, but is our relationship "perfect"? Of course not, but we keep trying. We are "still working at it".