Lessons from Having Terminal Cancer

November 2022

One thing I have been learning this last year is not to fear. We can do anything with the Lord's help. I have had to pray for help to have faith and not to fear, and the Lord has helped me. When fear overtakes me, I can't feel the Spirit, then I'm really afraid. As long as I turn to the Lord for help and strength, He has been there to help me. I've even been able to sleep well right before both major surgeries. When I have done all that I can for my health, then I have been able to ask in faith for His help in my life. He is always there to help you.

Choosing to have a Mastectomy

This has been a very challenging month for me, but I have been expecting it for a long time. After my hysterectomy last October, many people congratulated me saying that they were so glad that I was now cancer free. I couldn't bring myself to say that I had only completed phase one. A month ago, I knew I was now strong enough for phase two. The time has come for me to have the double mastectomy I knew I would have to have. Don't worry. There is no sign of cancer, but because I have the BRCA2 gene mutation, I need to have this preventative surgery. I had wanted to wait, hopefully for years, until I actually started to develop lumps, but I can't. 

I had to Go Beyond Logic to Heal from Cancer

 

When I saw this video, The Binding, about Abraham and his son, Isaac, I cried.  Abraham knew that it didn't make sense to offer up his son. He knew that he had been promised a posterity as numerous as the sands of the sea through Isaac. Amazingly, he had the faith to do what the Lord asked of him no matter how illogical it seemed, because he knew he could trust the giver of the promise.

Less than a year ago at the time I became ill with cancer, I was given a promise from the Lord that I was being given a chance to heal. I also knew that my stage 3c Ovarian Cancer had spread throughout my entire abdomen giving me a high cancer count of 1,900 (35 is the point where you have cancer) and just three months to live. How could I possibly be healed?  

What is helping me make it through cancer

I have been thinking about what is helping me the most to make it through dealing with cancer. Of course my faith has to come first. I simply couldn't do this at all without the Lord helping me. Also, there is all the love and support I am receiving from my husband, and family and friends. I feel their prayers holding me up. These are all wonderful blessings and essential to my life and fight with cancer, but there is also something else which is helping me. This is what I have been thinking of this morning. It is having a positive attitude.

I confess that it does take some effort to think positively when going through cancer treatments, but it is making it much easier for me. I feel a sense of hope, power, and energy as I think positively. This sense of power seems to come from being closer to God and from not feeling like a victim. I don't need to have the Lord give me ease to know that He loves me, or succumb to helplessness if I'm not given what I want when I want it. Though I didn't choose to have cancer (who would!), I am not merely a victim in life, for I can still choose how I respond to it. 

How can I say it will be well if I don't live?

 

A few people have questioned how I could say that all will be alright even if I don't recover. How can I not feel that all will be for my best good? I've had so many experiences over the years that have shown me that God really does know everything. He saw consequences and possibilities that I sure didn't, and He has shown me over and over again that He knows me and loves me. I have learned to trust Him. I feel His presence holding me up and strengthening me at this time. 

Long ago, I gave up expecting God to accept that I know more than He does. I also realized that I needed to grow up and quit measuring the Lord's love based on my immediately being given whatever I want. 

Knowing that God truly knows everything and loves me deeply, then there is only one possible conclusion -- whatever happens will be for my best good. 

Blessings in the Hospital

Last week, I was admitted to the hospital, a place I've managed to avoid for 71 years except to have our four children. I had had some abdominal swelling for a couple of weeks, but it suddenly became worse. I could no longer eat or drink and was in extreme pain. 

Our doctor at our local clinic took a CT scan which showed a large mass about the size of an orange and some smaller masses in my abdomen. He immediately sent me over to the emergency room at the large hospital near our home where they drained nearly five liters of fluid from my abdominal cavity to my great relief.

During the week I had many tests, concluding with a biopsy of the large mass on Thursday, my birthday. Over and over I heard the words, "Probable cancer", "Cancerous masses can cause tissues to leak fluid like this", and, "The oncologist (cancer doctor) will interpret all the results."

Lesson Learned from Mothering

Just a Mom

As a mother, grandmother, and teacher, it has been an amazing experience to help nurture others and to be a significant influence in their lives.  I've also been thinking of how much I have learned through this service. 

• Patience - growth and change take time - a lifetime
• Faith - act knowing and focused on potentiel
• Love - put your whole soul into helping others
• Acceptance - that real love often means saying, "No"
• Trust - in others' underlying goodness
• Work - relationships and developing talents takes time and effort
• Forgiveness - look inward before judging another
• Appreciation - value effort and intent, not just the product
• Compassion - see with the heart

Who are you listening to?

King Theodon and Wormtongue

by Greg & Tim Hildebrandt 1978

Today I've been thinking about two characters from the Lord of the Rings trilogy. One is Wormtongue who uses flattery and lies to manipulate the King of Rohan, and the other is the Hobbit, Frodo. Wormtongue's intent is to weaken the King so that he loses confidence in himself and succumbs to despair so that the evil Saruman would be able to take over the land.  Opposed to this great force is a simple Hobbit, Frodo. Hobbits' strength lie in their basic goodness. They value kindness, the good things of life, and have little interest in power and fame. 

You might be wondering what this story has to do with our challenges today. Well, I believe that Americans are a lot like Hobbits.  Our strength has always come from our goodness, our hope, and our faith in God, and from our ability to solve problems and work together in our democratic form of government. 

How can we make it through these times

https://penobscotmarinemuseum.org/PMM-Reader/ship-in-heavy-storm/by James E. Buttersworth

Last night I woke up with an disturbing dream. I saw a large old sailing ship in a terrible storm, but there was a definite sense of hope that the ship would make it to safety if everyone did all they could and prayed to God for help. Then I clearly saw that there were some people who were just sitting there on the deck (remember this is dream). Instead of helping, these people are grumbling, saying that they would only follow the orders of their past captain. Others were bemoaning that they are going to sink without the "real" captain at the helm and that their present captain would send them to their doom. I kept urging them to get up and help, for they didn't seem to realize that their inaction would insure that all would drown; but they wouldn't listen to, or even look at me. I woke up with a deep sense of worry for them.

For those who are Mourning

I know that there are many who are mourning this holiday season. For some the pain in their heart is sharp and new, and for others, holidays bring a flood of overwhelming memories and a deep longing for those who are no longer with them.

My family is also grieving this holiday season for the loss of my brother-in-law who died just before Christmas. Though we all knew that he had been suffering a great deal for twenty years as he bravely fought cancer, we are all deeply feeling his loss. 

This year has been like a replacing a burned out bulb

This morning we replaced a burnt out lightbulb in our fan light. It was amazing! Actually, changing a lightbulb really isn't that amazing, but it was pretty astounding how it ended up changing the whole room. 

We have lived here for four years thinking that the lights in our family room were a dull yellow-brown. It had always seemed so dingy in the room, even though, we had added two other light fixtures.  

What we discovered when we put a new bulb into the fixture was that the glass shade really was white! Immediately, I had my husband replace the other bulbs. It changed the whole atmosphere in the room. We hadn't realized until the bulb went out that all we needed to do was put brighter bulbs in the fixtures. What a difference it makes!

Several times this evening, I've gone out to our family room just to stand there and admire the light.  It seems that many times it isn't until we are stopped from going along our normal way, that we discover that changes need to be made in our lives. 

For me, this last year has been challenging, but it certainly hasn't been a wasted year. It has made me stop and think about what I've been doing, and not doing. This year has given me an opportunity to change out my dim, yellow-brown bulbs for bright clean light. It has helped me develop a closer relationship with God and my family. It has given me a chance to change my life for the better. I don't think I'll ever view a burnt out bulb the same, or look back on this year without feeling grateful for the opportunity I've had to change.

Bike Riding and Life

Yesterday, I was riding my electric bike and thinking about how amazing it was that a person who can barely walk fifty feet at a time can ride five miles on the trails. I feel so blessed to be able to go out riding with my husband and enjoy our beautiful scenery. I told him that it was like I was riding tandem with a giant. He smiled. 

When we got home, I thought more about my experience riding an electric bike and realized that it is like my whole life. I put in a little energy which is all I have. Even though I'm doing my best, it isn't even close to being enough to enable me to do the things and progress down the trail like I want to. 

Since our Savior knows how much we all need help, He paid for our mistakes, enabling us to have His power in our lives. With His power to help me, I can change, grow, and progress down the path to eternal life with Heavenly Father and my family. It is so wonderful!

 

How I was helped this weekend

I was having trouble last week. (Photo - me hitting "staring" or "coast" mode.) Each day, I was getting more and more tired. By Friday, I could barely move. Mounds of clean laundry sat around the house where I had left them. Too tired to put clothes away, cook, or round up the "dust bunnies", I tried to understand what was happening to me. Yes, this "running out of energy" had happened to me many times, and I only seemed to recover after long months of rest. Desperate to be able to move again, I tried to figure out what was happening to me, but I couldn't understand why I was so tired. Resting and eating weren't making any difference. I didn't want to just sit there waiting for my body to somehow heal. There had to be something I could do, but what? Obviously, my "little mind" was not up to solving this problem, so I asked someone who has all the answers and loves me, I prayed.

Seeing good in a challenging experience

If you look closely at this photo, you will see that my husband's ear is bandaged. He has skin cancer and had to have part of his ear removed. When he came home from his surgery, I reacted to the medication they put on his incision and ended up living the next week in our garage and trailer. 

Though this was a challenging situation for us, it was also a good time. One of the special moments you see in this photo of my husband and little granddaughter as we spent a morning together. We were also able to enjoy having meals together out on our patio. It was so pleasant to sit together enjoying a soft warm evening as I listened to my husband read a fun story, instead of being inside like we usually are in the evenings. Now that I had to maintain a "social distance" from my husband, I came to appreciate far more how little things like a hug added to my life. 

What makes the difference in how people are dealing with the Pandemic?

I have been concerned about all the people who have "lost heart", who are fearful, and discouraged, and I have been wondering why I don't feel that way. There are many people I know who also are not overwhelmed with the pandemic. What makes the difference? 

First, I thought about what is the opposite of fear, that terrible anxious feeling which devovers our courage. I found that the antonyms to fear were such things as love, calmness, assurance, confidence, happiness, and faith. Why are some people not feeling these good positive feelings? Of course you probably think that is frighteningly obvious for we are experiencing a pandemic. Not only are people losing their jobs, and some their businesses, but people around the world are dying. This is true, but I still don't think that explains why so many people are succumbing to fear. 

Hope you have a good day!

I really enjoy this song which is the theme song for the youth in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints this year. It is so full of hope and faith. I hope you enjoy it.

If you need more than just a cheerful song, then check out these resources.

Mental Health Resources 

Will lifting the sheltering restrictions stop the suicides?

Many people are attacking the sheltering restrictions imposed by our government leaders. They claim that allowing people to come and go as they please will make things "right" again, but will it? I agree that initially allowing people to be "out and busy" and business to begin recovering will be a great help to the economy and to people's morale. It will help small businesses to not "go under" and people to be employed again.  Though the situation with the Covid-19 is still dangerous to those of us with poor health, mainly us older people, I accept that those who are younger and struggling to make a living need the economy to restart. I appreciate all the people who have been willing to give up their social and economic activities mainly to protect us "older folks", but now it is time to allow them to continue their lives. 

What I do question is whether returning "to normal" will end the increasing rate of suicides.  During the Great Depression, when unemployment was

Safety in these Times

I've read Isaiah's prophecies of plagues in the last days, but until now with our current world flu epidemic, I always thought it would happen in some nebulous future.  It is here now. 

What is impressing me at this time is how the Lord has prepared us, as members of His church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, to deal with these times. We now have a more effective ministering care system in place; adult priesthood holders now meet together, strengthening both groups; church meeting are now only two hours instead of three hours; and many more temples have been and are planned in areas around the world. 

What I'm particularly impressed with is how President Nelson and his wife last November visited and strengthened the members in the areas in the Far East where travel is now restricted. Also, Church curriculum has been simplified and coordinated, so that parents are now able to teach their children and youth in their own homes. With responsibility for our own spiritual growth transferred from the Church organization to the home, we are prepared to weather whatever storm, or flu, that assails us. The Lord is watching over us and all we need to do is follow his directions to safety. 

Are women being the "moral compass" we need to be?

Recently, I heard a wise man warn that "if the world loses the moral rectitude of its women, the world will never recover."* I can't get these words out of my mind today. 

He stated that though men are also responsible to choose the good, women have always "been blessed with a unique moral compass--the ability to distinguish right from wrong... to discern truth from error, to be society's guardians of morality". 

Are righteous women really so important to the survival of society? This question has made me think about women's role in the settling of the American West. On the whole, it was good women who tamed the "Wild

Why doesn't God prove who he is?

A few days ago, I saw a comment online where a person was asking why God doesn't just do some "blatant miracle" to make us believe in Him. My first thought was, "Where have you been!?"

I thought about God creating the world and all the marvelous life upon it; His parting the Red Sea so the Israelite people would be protected from the pursering Egyptian army and then feeding these thousands of people with mana for 40 years in the wilderness; Daniel spending the night safely in a lions den, and his three friends not being burned in a fiery furnace. These weren't miracles?