After making the decision to have a double mastectomy, I cried for the next three days mourning my impending loss, then, slowly, I've come to accept reality. Since I went into anaphylactic shock with all but my first chemo treatment, there is little chance that I would be able to survive another course of chemo treatment. Right now, my health is pretty good, I am doing fairly well on the anti-cancer drug, Lynparza, and my cancer count is within the normal range. As my doctor pointed out, this could all change quickly, so this is the best time I'll ever have to do this surgery. If I do it now before I have breast cancer, then the surgery will not have to be followed by radiation or other cancer treatments, and I should not have to have muscles or lymph nodes removed. I can see that she is right, I am the strongest I am going to be right now, and this surgery will give me the greatest chance of living several more years.
I have to keep in mind that by having the BRACA2 gene mutation, I have a 50% to 80% chance of developing breast cancer. Since my body is unable to repair damaged cells, I have a greater risk of developing other cancers particularly pancreatic cancer, and melanomas. I had stage 3 ovarian cancer which had spread throughout my abdomen, but had not yet invaded my tissues. Though I had chemo treatments and a total hysterectomy with removal of all the cancer they could find in my abdomen, I also know that there is at least an 80% chance that my stage 3 ovarian cancer will return sometime. I simply have more risk of having cancer than I will be able to handle. Of course, I'm certainly not happy about having to remove a perfectly healthy part of me, especially a part which is so involved in a woman's identity, but it also removes a major cancer risk which may extend my life.
Another thing I've had to deal with is the fact that I have many allergies and sensitivities to medications. Because of this, I decided to make an appointment with an allergist so we can test medications before this surgery and possibly avoid the many allergic reactions I had with my hysterectomy. Hopefully, we can determine which medications will be the safest for me to take. In preparation for this appointment, I've had to write out my family's and my own health history, particularly all my dozens of allergies, and when and how I reacted. As I've done this and studied so I could organize the medications in groups, it has become evident that I am highly allergic to all anesthetics and to many antibiotics (most drug reactions are to these two classes of drugs). This really makes surgery very challenging. I am hoping that we will be able to find medications that I do better with, or that we can at least counter the reactions better this time.
I've also had to spend many hours doing research to enable me to make decisions and to help to prepare me to discuss options with my doctors. I've had to find information about the different types of mastectomy, types of incisions, reconstructive surgery, and the types of aesthetics that are used. In doing this, I learned that having surgery will be difficult for me and my time under anesthesia must be minimized. There is also a high possibility of an allergic reaction to any implant, so I am not a good candidate for reconstruction.
This has brought me to another adjustment, "going flat". When I saw the after "flat" mastectomy surgery photos, I felt sick. The women looked so odd and the scar was so huge! It really helps to have such a loving husband who just wants me to be with him for as long as possible. I am grateful that I am still here to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary this summer and for a husband whose love is strong enough to endure forever and who loves me no matter what part I have or don't have.
I am also grateful for my Heavenly Father's love and power. It helps to know that all that happens in this life is only temporary. Someday, I will receive my body back- young, beautiful, and whole. I also find it comforting to know that I have been and will always be me. I am an eternal being, a daughter of God. Who I am is not dependent on being young, beautiful or physically whole. This is really comforting to know as I look at my wrinkled skin, fallen chin, hourglass figure which has settled in the middle, scars, sagging tummy, and now missing parts.
It helps me to feel at peace knowing that we are here on this earth to learn and grow. Having stage 3c ovarian cancer and the BRCA2 gene mutation have certainly been learning experiences! Though it has been so hard and I don't like leaving this life a piece at a time, I can see that this experience has been, is, and will yet be, an amazing opportunity to grow. I have faced old hurts, changed habits, and grown in love, faith, patience, and spiritual strength. My husband and I are growing closer with each challenge we have to face together and I am appreciating more deeply the moments I have to spend with my family and friends, and in nature.
I also feel closer to my Savior. I know that He will help me through this surgery, recovery, adjustment, and to be able to continue my anti-cancer medication afterward. I feel His strength holding me up and giving me peace. Though I really wish that I could learn without having to do such challenging things, I just don't seem to be able to do it. He knows what changes I really need to make in my life so I can be happy forever. As I am able to accept His wisdom and His great love for me, I am able to enjoy each day and look for the opportunities to grow from these experiences.
No comments:
Post a Comment