Choosing Happiness With Terminal Cancer

People have asked me how I’m doing, and I say “pretty good for the circumstances”.  The circumstances are that my ovarian cancer has returned and is progressing very quickly.  My cancer indicator number increased from 500 at the end of November to nearly 3000 the first week of January, and is probably far above that now.  I’ve had ascites for the last month, which is a fluid buildup in the abdomen that you get with end-stage cancer.  I no longer have any appetite, and I tire exceptionally quickly.  My eyes are having trouble focusing, so I can no longer ride in a car, read, or write.  My husband is very kindly typing this for me.  At moments, like when I realized I couldn’t go for a ride any more, or when I realized that I won’t be here for a holiday or a special occasion, I cry.  When I’m reminded that I won’t be here with my husband, I cry.  My emotions are very tender at this time.  

We made it to our 50th Wedding Anniversary in spite of my having cancer

Our wedding day Aug 23, 1972

I am so grateful that we made it to our 50th wedding anniversary. Last year at this time, it looked doubtful that it would happen. Just a few weeks before, I had been diagnosed with advanced ovarian cancer (stage 3c), the BRCA2 gene mutation, and with a cancer count* of nearly 2000 with 35 being the point where you are considered to have cancer.

Aug 23, 2022

As a woman with a husband who is nearly 75, I had considered that I might become a widow someday, but I had never thought about leaving my husband a widower. I knew it would be so lonely not to have my husband here and how empty it would feel to not be able to share my ideas and experiences with him. I would miss having someone who could make my dreams come true and handle details for me. He has shared his strengths in logic, building, performing details, and managing finances, so that I could have more time to study and write. In turn, I have shared my ability to see the whole picture, pick up feelings, long range plan, and communicate. Together, we have been able to do so much more than either of us could have done separately. We have grown so much with the Lord's and each other's help. 

How I am Recovering a Month After My Double Mastectomy

It has been a challenging month, but I am recovering very well. The doctors and nurses worked with me and used anesthetics which did not cause me to have allergic reactions. They gave me Benadryl before the surgery, used as little anesthesia as possible, chose the least reactive medications, gave me meds to counter the effects of opioids, and even used warming blankets* and leg compresses to help reduce the stress on my body. It really helped. 

I was walking a little in the hospital just a few hours after surgery. I had little dizziness or nauseousness and the pain was reasonable. Amazingly, I went home a little less than 24 hours after being admitted to the hospital. I was so grateful that our home is only 15 minutes from the hospital instead of having to travel for six hours to get home like I did with my hysterectomy nine months ago.

Thoughts a Few Days Before my Double Mastectomy

I feel a bit like I have been getting ready for a safari. I've had to get supplies together, study the route, and make a plan to meet the challenges. I know it will be exhausting, uncomfortable, painful, and even dangerous, but it will also be worth it. I trust my guide, and have a strong companion to go with me. All is nearly ready to begin. 

Yes, I'm physically prepared. I have discussed the possible problems with my surgeon. My home is clean, food is stocked up and meals cooked. Also, I  have old comedy videos to help divert me afterward from the trauma my body is experiencing. I have also been spiritually preparing through daily reading of the scriptures, praying, and listening to General Conference talks. 

Choosing to have a Mastectomy

This has been a very challenging month for me, but I have been expecting it for a long time. After my hysterectomy last October, many people congratulated me saying that they were so glad that I was now cancer free. I couldn't bring myself to say that I had only completed phase one. A month ago, I knew I was now strong enough for phase two. The time has come for me to have the double mastectomy I knew I would have to have. Don't worry. There is no sign of cancer, but because I have the BRCA2 gene mutation, I need to have this preventative surgery. I had wanted to wait, hopefully for years, until I actually started to develop lumps, but I can't. 

What happens after Ovarian Cancer surgery?

I am recovering well from my ovarian cancer surgery nearly two months ago. I am able to go for a couple of walks each day, alternating walking a few yards with riding while my husband pushes me in the wheelchair. I can dust mop a little at a time, make my bed, unload the dishwasher once a day, wash a few loads of laundry each week, and heat up food for myself in the microwave. I can do things on the computer till 6 p.m, and I can finally eat a regular meal without feeling nauseous.  Best of all, I'm only feeling really tired instead of that overwhelming sense of exhaustion with shakiness, brain fog, nausea, depression, and anxiety which I've experienced these last couple of months. 

I'm grateful that my four chemo treatments have destroyed most of the cancer, and all visible cancer was removed during the surgery. I really would love to say "I'm cured" and that my struggle with cancer is over, but that isn't true. As happened to me, often ovarian cancer isn't discovered until near the end stage. Though it hadn't penetrated any of my organs, the cancer had spread throughout my entire abdomen by the time we knew it was there and began treatments for my stage 3C ovarian cancer. It is therefore likely that, at some point, the cancer will return somewhere in my body. Combined with the fact that I have the BRCA gene mutation which means that I am unable to suppress tumor growth, I have a much higher chance of having more cancer in the future.

Ovarian Cancer surgery went well

We arrived at St Mark's hospital in Salt Lake for my cancer surgery. The week before I had a CT scan and the day before my surgery I talked to the pre-op nurse, and had blood tests and an electrocardiogram done. All of which showed that I was healthy enough for surgery. The pre-op nurse was especially helpful. She took the time (3 hours!) to discuss all my allergies and other health problems and was there the next morning at 6 am when we arrived for surgery. She told the other nurses what they could use on me and what they couldn't. What a help and blessing that was!

Next, I went to the waiting area by the surgery room where I talked to my anesthesiologist.  From there I was taken to the operating room. As I was wheeled in, my anesthesiologist asked me how I was feeling. I said that I was a little nervous. She replied that she'd that care of that and came over to me and touched my IV. That was the last thing I remember until later that afternoon when I was in my hospital room. 

The Lord Answers Prayers in Many Ways

Yesterday, I went outside for a few moments. When I came inside, I felt a tickle by my throat and a buzzing. Thinking it was a fly, I tried to bush it away. A few moments later, I saw a bee on the window. I was stunned. I had just brushed away a bee and it had not gone down my clothes or stung me. I felt very blessed for I an extremely allergic to bees. If it had stung me, I could have ended up in the hospital and it could have delayed my surgery. I have been struggling with anxiety for days and now I felt a reassurance that the Lord was watching over me and all would be well with my surgery.

He Calms My Storms

Last night I realized how much the Lord is "carrying" me. Allergies woke me, then worries overcame me. It takes a lot of courage to have major surgery with major allergies. I have to travel several hours to have the cancer surgery and then back home. Also, though the cancer seems to be going into remission, it might just be a five year reprieve. When I read from the scriptures, “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” I was able to at last feel at peace and rest. The Lord is my strength. I could not do this without His help.

Jesus Christ -- Our Prince of Peace

Chemo Caused Anemia

So far the chemo has been helping me to feel better (after the first week), but now I need more rest to cope with the chemo induced anemia. I have made it through four chemo treatments before this happened, so I'm doing well.

Now, I'm losing a lot of the small amount of remaining hair I have. It has been two weeks since my 4th chemo, and now I'm seeing the effects of it. The chemo kills cells in my body which grow quickly. Hair goes quickly so it is being killed. Red and white blood cells also grow quickly which is why 90% of people who have chemo also become anemic, and why I take medicine to make more white blood cells. Most people taking chemo treatments are just mildly to moderately anemic. I'm only mildly anemic so I hope to make it through without having to have a transfusion and with some hair. Only two more chemos!

What is helping me make it through cancer

I have been thinking about what is helping me the most to make it through dealing with cancer. Of course my faith has to come first. I simply couldn't do this at all without the Lord helping me. Also, there is all the love and support I am receiving from my husband, and family and friends. I feel their prayers holding me up. These are all wonderful blessings and essential to my life and fight with cancer, but there is also something else which is helping me. This is what I have been thinking of this morning. It is having a positive attitude.

I confess that it does take some effort to think positively when going through cancer treatments, but it is making it much easier for me. I feel a sense of hope, power, and energy as I think positively. This sense of power seems to come from being closer to God and from not feeling like a victim. I don't need to have the Lord give me ease to know that He loves me, or succumb to helplessness if I'm not given what I want when I want it. Though I didn't choose to have cancer (who would!), I am not merely a victim in life, for I can still choose how I respond to it. 

Waiting for Cancer Surgery

                                                         Waiting Days

Longing for the days to pass,

I mark them off on my calendar,

anxious to get it over, but

dreading the operation

and the pain I will have to endure.

Trying to get into shape

and preparations to complete

fill my days, but not enough.

How having cancer is changing my life

How having cancer is changing my life

Sept 2021
Now that my ovarian cancer chemo treatments are beginning to be effective, I can see how much having cancer has improved my life and helped me be happier. I needed this opportunity to reevaluate my life and make changes in how I was living. 

I had been aware that I wasn't doing something right. I simply wasn't as happy as I wanted to be, and I felt tired and stressed at the end of each day, but it wasn't until I had cancer that I knew what I needed to change. 

Happiness amid Adversity

I just heard of a man who is depressed because his wife is seriously ill. He just joined a Christian faith and was expecting to "live happily ever after", and now it isn't happening. I can remember feeling this way when I first became a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I thought nothing "bad" was ever going to happen to me, and now I would just sail through life. Instead, I've had over 50 years of health problems.  Doesn't God answer my prayers? Doesn't God love me?

Yes, God does answer prayers. I wanted to be happy, and He is giving me experiences to teach me how to do it. I wanted to grow and become more like my Heavenly Father, and He has sent challenges to strengthen me and help me grow in love and compassion. 

Reminder not to take my meds for granted

 

Last night, I began to feel nauseous and have acid reflux, when suddenly, I realized that I had forgotten to take my both my nausea and reflux meds at lunch. Though I was able to squeeze in the missed dose, I didn't feel well last night and this morning my throat is sore and I am tired. It will take me awhile to recover from this error. 

While I'm recovering, I've been thinking how this situation is like life. We get used to something, or someone, making our life easier or more comfortable for us and then take them for granted. I had forgotten how much I needed this medication and had become careless. Now I'm paying the price. 

I've been asking myself if I am taking all the kind things my husband is doing for me for granted. It is so easy to expect someone to always be there and providing loving support. I think of times when I've forgotten to give thanks for all the Lord is doing for me. Often, I haven't even noticed the help He is giving me until He finally withdraws His help.

Today is a time to heal both my body and my spirit. It is time to appreciate all the good I have in my life. It is time to be grateful and remember-- without needing a reminder. 

Second Chemo

I had my second chemo dose last Wednesday. I am tired and am doing well, but we had more difficulty this time. 

A few moments after the chemo IV was started, I felt that something was wrong. I started to cough and suddenly felt my face and neck become hot. The nurse, who was caring for another person, turned toward me when I coughed. When she saw my pink color, she rushed over and stopped the chemo IV. She immediately began an IV of Benadryl and steroids.  My back arched into a sharp cramp of pain then my hip flexors cramped. My chest was tightening and breathing was becoming difficult. By then, the Benadryl was taking affect and the cramping quickly subsided. Wow! I'd never experienced an allergic reaction like that before! 

We waited an hour for my reaction to settle down, then the nurse began the chemo IV once again. As soon as it began, my chest began to constrict again. Though I tried to relax, I was frightened -- frightened that I wouldn't be able to breath and frightened that I wouldn't be able to have the chemo treatments. 

My doctor had told me that I only had a few months to live if I couldn't do the chemo. I also knew that the Lord had promised to help me through these treatments. I had to be able to do this chemo treatment. I prayed for help and strength beyond my own. Suddenly, there was a "leap of faith". I felt moved from where I was to where I needed to be. It was as if I had been picked up and actually moved. I've never experienced anything like it before, but I was able to continue with the chemo for three more hours and complete it. I feel that I have been very blessed.

Good News!

Before my first Chemo my cancer marker count (a protein) was over 1500. Before my second Chemo it had dropped to 830 (normal is 125 or less).

Also, my red and white blood cells have not dropped as much as expected, and I have lost the rest of the extra fluid in my body. I have ankles again! Without the extra water, it is evident that I have lost a lot of weight during these last three months of abdominal swelling and difficulty eating. The good news is that I can now eat more normally, so I hope to put the weight back on and get back to a normal weight for me. All is looking very good. 

This a a photo of me the day after my second Chemo and yes, I do still have hair though it is thin, white, and wispy. 

The day after Chemo, I will now have an injection to encourage the growth of my white blood cells. It is painful afterward, but a real blessing that they can get my white bloods cells growing again. 

How can I say it will be well if I don't live?

 

A few people have questioned how I could say that all will be alright even if I don't recover. How can I not feel that all will be for my best good? I've had so many experiences over the years that have shown me that God really does know everything. He saw consequences and possibilities that I sure didn't, and He has shown me over and over again that He knows me and loves me. I have learned to trust Him. I feel His presence holding me up and strengthening me at this time. 

Long ago, I gave up expecting God to accept that I know more than He does. I also realized that I needed to grow up and quit measuring the Lord's love based on my immediately being given whatever I want. 

Knowing that God truly knows everything and loves me deeply, then there is only one possible conclusion -- whatever happens will be for my best good. 

Blessings in the Hospital

Last week, I was admitted to the hospital, a place I've managed to avoid for 71 years except to have our four children. I had had some abdominal swelling for a couple of weeks, but it suddenly became worse. I could no longer eat or drink and was in extreme pain. 

Our doctor at our local clinic took a CT scan which showed a large mass about the size of an orange and some smaller masses in my abdomen. He immediately sent me over to the emergency room at the large hospital near our home where they drained nearly five liters of fluid from my abdominal cavity to my great relief.

During the week I had many tests, concluding with a biopsy of the large mass on Thursday, my birthday. Over and over I heard the words, "Probable cancer", "Cancerous masses can cause tissues to leak fluid like this", and, "The oncologist (cancer doctor) will interpret all the results."

I'm Thankful for my Health Problems

Yes, that's what I said, I really am grateful for my health problems.That doesn't mean that I'm crazy, or that I really don't have any serious problems with my health. Actually, I have several spinal injuries, insulin resistance,  problems with my adrenal glands, and major allergies and chemical sensitivities. 

How can I say that I'm thankful for all these problems? Well, it's not that I enjoy suffering, and I certainly don't enjoy all the limitations, but I can appreciate the opportunities having poor health has given me.

Help in these Difficult Times

Many of us know we can pray to God and have felt His help in our lives, but we long for more guidance from the Lord. We want to know what we can do to be prepared to deal with these difficult times and for what will come in the future. We want to know what we can do to keep our family safe.

The good news in these challenging days is that we do have a loving Heavenly Father who not only wants us to make it through these times, but wants us to thrive. He is doing this by giving us specific guidance to help us be prepared for the challenges we are now experiencing.