I was walking a little in the hospital just a few hours after surgery. I had little dizziness or nauseousness and the pain was reasonable. Amazingly, I went home a little less than 24 hours after being admitted to the hospital. I was so grateful that our home is only 15 minutes from the hospital instead of having to travel for six hours to get home like I did with my hysterectomy nine months ago.
I had been aware that I wasn't doing something right. I simply wasn't as happy as I wanted to be, and I felt tired and stressed at the end of each day, but it wasn't until I had cancer that I knew what I needed to change.
My learning began when I was told that I would have, at the most, four more months to live. At that moment what is most important to me came into clear focus - my family. My heart yearned to be with my husband and to be a part of my grandchildren's lives as they grow up. Tears flowed, and my life has changed. I am spending more time on what matters most to me and less time on doing things that matter little. I am trying to share my talents more and quit wasting time doing "expected" things which stress me. I am making more of an effort to express gratitude to my husband for all he is doing each day to care for me, and I'm "putting myself out there" by making more effort to communicate better with him.
My doctor presented me with another opportunity to grow. There was a decision I had to make. Was I willing to die in a few months, or did I have the courage and strength to go through many months of chemo treatments and surgery which might give me the possibility of healing? With my long history of health problems and allergic reactions, it was not very hopeful that I could complete this painful and demanding program. This is where my growth really began. I knew that the only way I would be able to complete the treatments would be with the Lord's help. I needed to have more faith in Him.
How can I say that I'm thankful for all these problems? Well, it's not that I enjoy suffering, and I certainly don't enjoy all the limitations, but I can appreciate the opportunities having poor health has given me.
I coming to realize that God really knows me and cares for me. He has always been there to help me whenever I've asked for His help. This usually doesn't mean that His help comes in the way I had in mind, or when I think it should, but it always comes. As a good father, God has not given me what I want when I want it, but instead, He have given me what I truly need when I need it.
From the time I was 19 and joined The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have been trying to change my childhood training into a more positive outlook on life. It has taken a great deal of effort. I have had to consciously look for the good in each situation and in each person.
My resolve has been put to the test as I have had to deal with fifty years of major health problems and with serious family relationship difficulties. On days when the pain seemed unbearable, the frustration overwhelming, or the emotional suffering crushing, I can't say that I met life with cheerful optimism, but I have kept trying.
Decision made; I yelled to my husband, "Quick, grab a lunch, and we'll head out." Our unexpected outing gave us a lovely afternoon complete with a picnic lunch and bike riding. Once again, we saw that things don't have to go the way we planned to be some of our best times.
I know some of you may laugh that I didn't know that my Mac Laptop had “Pages”. Others may wonder what “Pages” is. I have been in this last group. I’ve had my laptop for five years now and I didn't know that it had a built in word processor. Also, I didn't know that I can dictate to my computer and it will type it for me.
Yesterday, I had a problem. Actually, I have many problems, but yesterday I was determined to find a way to both write and exercise. Because of my insulin resistance, I must be active in the morning, but as a writer, that is the best time to write. I’m full of ideas, and I'm not tired yet.
We have lived here for four years thinking that the lights in our family room were a dull yellow-brown. It had always seemed so dingy in the room, even though, we had added two other light fixtures.
What we discovered when we put a new bulb into the fixture was that the glass shade really was white! Immediately, I had my husband replace the other bulbs. It changed the whole atmosphere in the room. We hadn't realized until the bulb went out that all we needed to do was put brighter bulbs in the fixtures. What a difference it makes!
Several times this evening, I've gone out to our family room just to stand there and admire the light. It seems that many times it isn't until we are stopped from going along our normal way, that we discover that changes need to be made in our lives.
For me, this last year has been challenging, but it certainly hasn't been a wasted year. It has made me stop and think about what I've been doing, and not doing. This year has given me an opportunity to change out my dim, yellow-brown bulbs for bright clean light. It has helped me develop a closer relationship with God and my family. It has given me a chance to change my life for the better. I don't think I'll ever view a burnt out bulb the same, or look back on this year without feeling grateful for the opportunity I've had to change.
