I'm writing this even though I am so tired, am having trouble eating, sleeping, and walking. Since I'm also having trouble focusing, my husband has volunteered to see what I have typed with my eyes closed and fix it for me. Why am I even trying to write when my health is going down so quickly? I am doing this, making this effort for those who despair, who feel overwhelmed and discouraged. So many are so young and don't see the bright future that lies ahead of them.
So, how have I had hope and peace through 60+ years of health problems, chronic fatigue, pain, and now terminal ovarian cancer?
Christmas is such a special season of the year. It is full of twinkling lights, and the scent of pine and gingerbread. It is a time when Christmas music fills the air, presents are given, and childhood memories come flooding back as we spend time with family and friends. In this season, we celebrate the good in life and are reminded of what is truly the most important to us.
I did it! I rode the four mile trail at Zion on my electric bike. I feel so blessed to be able to go to Zion National Park again, to still be alive after having cancer, and to be able to get out places.
Last spring, I was not feeling well. There wasn't any pain or anything definite, just a sense that something wasn't right. The main thing I noticed was that I was intensely tired after doing even small things. Having chronic fatigue and multiple allergies and chemical sensitivities, I was used to feeling draggy, but this seemed strangely different.
During this time of pandemic, social unrest, and violence, when many hearts are filled with fear and despair, we need more than ever to "hear Him". We live in a time when news is often more sensationalism and entertainment than non-biased reporting; when factual "eye witness" accounts may be mere fantasy; and when Posts, Tweets, and videos often present half truths, and even lies, which may mislead us.
I know that there are many who are mourning this holiday season. For some the pain in their heart is sharp and new, and for others, holidays bring a flood of overwhelming memories and a deep longing for those who are no longer with them.
My family is also grieving this holiday season for the loss of my brother-in-law who died just before Christmas. Though we all knew that he had been suffering a great deal for twenty years as he bravely fought cancer, we are all deeply feeling his loss.
I have been concerned about all the people who have "lost heart", who are fearful, and discouraged, and I have been wondering why I don't feel that way. There are many people I know who also are not overwhelmed with the pandemic. What makes the difference?
First, I thought about what is the opposite of fear, that terrible anxious feeling which devovers our courage. I found that the antonyms to fear were such things as love, calmness, assurance, confidence, happiness, and faith. Why are some people not feeling these good positive feelings? Of course you probably think that is frighteningly obvious for we are experiencing a pandemic. Not only are people losing their jobs, and some their businesses, but people around the world are dying. This is true, but I still don't think that explains why so many people are succumbing to fear.
I really enjoy this song which is the theme song for the youth in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints this year. It is so full of hope and faith. I hope you enjoy it.
If you need more than just a cheerful song, then check out these resources.
Yes, I have really seen many good things during this time when we are experiencing a pandemic. For one thing, I've loved all the concern that younger people have shown to us "old folks". Neighbors have offered to get food from the grocery store for us and run errands. People have stepped way back after they knock on our door. Their concern has really touched me. Since the grocery stores have made a special early time for the "seniors" to shop, we haven't needed their help, yet, but it is good to know they are watching out for us, and that the stores are also trying to protect us.
Also, I've seen wealthy executives giving financial support to the many small businesses which are in danger of going under. Homes have not been foreclosed, and families have not been evicted. It seems like a kinder world. In some ways it reminds me of how people are at Christmastime, but without the bustling.
That's another good thing I've seen -- people are not rushing around!
I watched this video several times. It gives a lot to think about. Besides finding answers when I read scriptures and prayer, I like to wake up slowly in the morning and listen in my mind and heart. At this quiet time of day before my mind is absorbed on daily tasks is a time when thoughts come to my mind that I know are answers from God to me.
Sometimes, I'll just have a feeling that I should do something, or that I shouldn't do it. Sometimes I just know something. It might be that a person needs me to send them an email right then. Other times, I might just know what I should say to a grandchild, or I'll have an impression to write on my blog. I feel this flash of knowledge is a special gift to me. It affirms God's love for me.
At other times, God sends books to me. I used to find a book just sitting out on a library shelf that was exactly what I needed to learn at that time. In these days of hightec, the book I need is suggested to me online. I just know that I need to read that book, and when I do, there is the answer I was looking for. This is a special way that I receive revelation. It makes me feel that God really knows me personally and understands how I learn.
It is so comforting to know that God is close by. He is there to help, guide, and comfort. He gives me strength, and fills my heart with love and peace.
Right now so many of us are struggling with being restricted to our homes. As a person who feels that the experiences in life are opportunities to learn and grow, I've been wondering what could be learned from this pandemic. For a world that felt pretty confident in our abilities to handle anything, it has been humbling to see how quickly the whole world could be brought to its knees by a tiny virus. Many of us have come to realize how much we not only need others to help us, but how much we need a greater power, we need God's power, to help us survive. We have been given an opportunity to take a look at our lives. Are we spending our time, energies, and money on what matters most to us? How does it feel to spend more time with your family? Are you enjoying not rushing around so much, not feeling so pressured? What do you want to change in your life? Answer your wake up call. Take your chance for a new start.
Like most everyone, my thoughts have been focused on the current covid-19 pandemic. The Savior has warned us that there would be plagues in the last days, and our leaders have counseled us to store food, water, medicines, sanitation supplies, and to have savings and cash on hand to help us deal with emergency situations. Wouldn't it have been great if we all had done this? People could have calmly remained in their homes instead of panicky rushing to stores to grab and hoard all they could find on the fast emptying shelves. (for helpful ideas go to https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/callings/church-safety-and-health/pandemic-planning?lang=eng
But more than being prepared with things, I've wondered how to prepare myself to have the strength to deal with not only the physical danger, but the economic repercussions of this pandemic. As I've spent the last two days listening to inspired men and women give their counsel, these thoughts have impressed me:
My husband dislikes the "million dollar question". It usually comes up when I have requested that something be done to improve our home. He, a builder, authoritatively declares, "IT CAN'T BE DONE!!" As a undauntable idealist who has complete faith in the achieve-ability of good goals, I calmly question, "If someone offered you a million dollars to do this, could you?" After a slight pause, he concedes, "Yes". I respond that it is then not a matter of impossibility, but of motivation, and I am motivated. After that, we work together to achieve the goal. Actually, now after being married to me for 46 years, my husband knows that if I say something can be done-- it can. He skips the fight phase and simply goes straight into "working it out" mode.
A lot of people seem to think that it is much easier to not live the commandments of God, than it is to live them. In the immediate moment, I definitely agree. It is always easier to "go with the flow", at least it is until you hit the rapids, or plunge down the waterfall. But, let's face it, who doesn't have rapids and even waterfalls in their life? Who would travel down a dangerous river completely ignoring the guidance of the seasoned guide?
If you work hard enough, can you become perfect? Of course not! Being perfect is being like our Heavenly Father and our Savior -- finished, complete, whole. It is a very long term goal that we can desire and work at in this life, and which we might reach sometime in the eternities, but only if we allow our Savior to help us. Why can't we become perfect on our own? The fact is that we learn by making mistakes. We do something; experience the consequences, then make a judgement on whether what we did was good or bad. Did it make us happy and bring us peace, or did it make us miserable, and fearful? This is what we are here to do: to learn and grow. Well, we certainly have making mistakes down pat, and we can even determine if we want to continue that behavior or never do it again, but how can we grow?
In a few days I'll have another birthday. I'm excited to turn 68. I know most people try and hide their age, especially women. I don't. First of all, I so grateful to have made it this far, and second, I don't think anyone would really believe me if I said I was younger. Let's face it, no older person really looks very young if you come within twenty feet of them.
Mainly, I'm excited about another birthday, because life keeps getting better. Yes, I have health problems which restrict the things I can do, but I find that I'm happier now than when I was younger. Though I admit, that I was prettier back then, I worried about everything. I compared myself to other women and saw them as more attractive and talented. I went into a deep depression if I gained a pound, or hid in shame if I had a blemish. I listed all that others could do and neglected my own unique abilities. I worried if I was being a good wife, mother and homemaker. I worried constantly over my children's health, safety, and happiness. I made a long list of other women's strengths and expected myself to perform up to those standards, and I always felt that I was not measuring up to society's expectations. In other words, I sucked the joy out of life.
Yes, there really are advantages to getting older.
I've lived long enough to see consequences of actions. Things that seemed to be bad at the moment have turned out to be good in the long run. For example, my poor health has helped my husband become very loving and supportive.
I've learned whose advice I can follow. I've come to respect my husband's advice. I saw the counsel of the leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints come true. They counseled for years to get out of debt, live within your means, avoid Home Equity Loans, and store food and necessities. Those that followed this advice were all right when the "Down-Turn" came.
I've learned not to worry if children do immature things. They are learning. Have faith in them. Give them time, love, a good example, good principles, lots of encouragement, and trust God to make up the difference. Children usually become great adults because of, and in spite of, our efforts as parents.
When someone angrily accuses me of being a "Pollyanna"*, I reply with a polite, "Thank you". I know they are trying to make me admit that "life isn't just roses and lollipops". Being nearly seventy years old, I'm well aware that roses also have thorns and lollipops raise blood sugar. I've raised four children, had a painful restricting illness for 45 years, and known many sorrows and disappointments, and, yes, I'm proud to be a "Pollyanna".
This video reminds me of not only that we can live forever because of the Savior's sacrifice, but reminds me how to live now. I am so impressed by the Savior's great love and willingness to suffer the consequences of our mistakes, so that we can learn and grow. He does not waver from what He knows must be done to help us, even when socially persecuted and threatened with death. He is the perfect example. He is who I desire to become like.
To many Easter is just a traditional holiday; a day when they celebrate spring; a day of bunnies, chicks, chocolate, and Easter egg hunts. Of course I'm ready for a celebration when spring finally comes, but this is not why I celebrate Easter. Like me, some remember that the bunnies, chicks, and eggs are to remind us of new life. They represent the hope for the future that we have through the atonement of our Savior. Some people claim that when a person dies, life is over. They are right that we do not have the power to refuse to die, or to bring someone back to life. Though we do not have such power, our God, our creator, surely does. Through the exercise of His power, the Savior made it so that all men's spirit and body can be eternally reunited. We will then be a complete soul; not just a spirit.
