A New Year with Terminal Cancer

 

My ovarian cancer marker number (CA125) has been doubling each month for several months. By the end of December it was 1,000, with 35 being the point where you have cancer. By the end of January it will probably be 2,000; the end of February 4,000; the end of March 8,000; the end of April 16,000. Knowing this fast rate of growth, that my late stage ovarian cancer is incurable, and that my body is no longer able to endure any further treatments to delay the inevitable, I have, quite naturally, been thinking a lot about death.

Thoughts on my brother's death

This is my favorite picture of my brother who died a few days ago of cancer. He was nearly 69 when he died. 

Though I miss my brother and wish he could have lived a longer happy life, I'm grateful for many things. I'm glad that he lived a whole year longer than expected. I'm grateful that he had someone to love, and who loved him, all his adult life and that she was able to be with him to the end of his life on earth. 

A Senior's Perspective on the Pandemic

Being 70, I think I finally qualify as a "Senior". Few of us older people are saying much about this pandemic, but I feel a need to put my perspective "out there". We all know what a difficult time we live in. Most seniors understand that younger people need to work to support their families and that we all need goods and essential services to continue to be provided. 

We seniors have seen other countries shut down to get the covid 19 virus into control, while our country refuses such measures, prefering to champion  "freedom" instead. We have seen young people exerting their "freedom" as they revel in their "no mask" parties. We see people protesting against their government leaders restricting their lives in any way, while criticizing these same leaders for "not taking action" during this pandemic. Now, in sadness, we see Americans bemoaning the "meanness" and "hard heartedness" of their government leaders in discouraging holiday gatherings. 

What Happens When We Die?

https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2015-08-1080-what-happens-after-we-die?category=mormon-beliefs&lang=eng

When I wrote about being happy to have another birthday, I said that I wasn't afraid of dying. I thought I should explain why I said that.

I think most people are afraid of dying because they don't know what will happen to them. Some people think they will just cease to exist. Many people envision their spirit continuing in a place where there is not any suffering or pain, but where they will be single without their family. Though they have hoped and promised in this life that "their love will continue forever", they aren't sure it will.

What does happen after you die? Will you really cease to exist? Will you lose your body and be just be a spirit forever? Will your marriage and family be gone?  

Another Birthday!

https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2012-07-001-have-i-done-any-good-in-the-world-today?category=mormon-channel-music-videos&lang=eng

My gift to you. You can download the video here. 

In a few days I'll have another birthday. I'm excited to turn 68. I know most people try and hide their age, especially women. I don't. First of all, I so grateful to have made it this far, and second, I don't think anyone would really believe me if I said I was younger.  Let's face it, no older person really looks very young if you come within twenty feet of them.

Mainly, I'm excited about another birthday, because life keeps getting better.  Yes, I have health problems which restrict the things I can do, but I find that I'm happier now than when I was younger.  Though I admit, that I was prettier back then, I worried about everything. I compared myself to other women and saw them as more attractive and talented.  I went into a deep depression if I gained a pound, or hid in shame if I had a blemish. I listed all that others could do and neglected my own unique abilities. I worried if I was being a good wife, mother and homemaker. I worried constantly over my children's health, safety, and happiness. I made a long list of other women's strengths and expected myself to perform up to those standards, and I always felt that I was not measuring up to society's expectations. In other words, I sucked the joy out of life.

Our Savior Gives Me Hope

https://www.mormon.org/easter/hallelujah 
Hallelujah - An Easter Message About Jesus Christ

Why do I rejoice that our Savior came to the earth, laid down His life for us, and took it up again?  Because it gives me hope.  Because of Him, I look forward to seeing my grandparents again, and being with my husband and children forever.  When I make a mistake, it isn't permanent.  With His help, I can try again and become a better person.  I couldn't bear not to be able to progress and grow.  I couldn't live without the hope our Savior gives us.

Can We Rise From the Grave?

https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2011-06-04-we-can-live-with-god-again?lang=eng
A friend asked me how I can believe in the Resurrection. How can I not? She states that bodies decompose after death and that is that. Of course our bodies break down and return to basic elements. It would be a pretty scary (and smelly!) world if this didn't happen.  Personally, I wouldn't want my body to be preserved and just brought back to life. I'm old now. I don't want to be stuck in this aging body forever! What I want is my spirit to return to a new body, an eternal body, one that will not age or decompose. Now that would be good. Spirits can not decompose. You feel the spirits of the people around you all the time. Their spirits either attract or repel you. We've all seen people who are beautiful on the outside, but you are repulsed by their spirit, another person you just immediately trust. Why, because our spirit is sensing their spirit.

I have seen death. One moment you feel them there, then they are gone. The body is there, but they are not there anymore. We call it death when the spirit leaves the body. Even when the body is kept working by machines, you can feel a difference when the spirit leaves. The spirit enables the body to have life on its own, it is what makes you, you.  It is what makes a baby a live being, it is your personality, your thoughts, your feelings, it is you. If you have ever felt someone's presences, you have felt their spirit. The spirit is not physical and therefore can not put in the gave to decompose, but continues to live with other spirits.

I believe that a God who has the power to create this world, can recreate our bodies, make them so they will not be subject to destructive powers, and put our spirits back in them, never to suffer or die again.

He "Only" Died

A Jewish friend of mine told me that Jesus Christ can't be the Savior, the Messiah, because all he did was die. After a long history of oppression, the Jews were desperately looking for the true Messiah who would free them. But, as the Savior declared to Pilate when asked if he was trying to set up a political government, "My kingdom is not of this world".

He Is Risen: John the Beloved's Witness of the Resurrection

I was very touched by this video. John the Beloved, one of Jesus Christ's twelve disciples, shares his memories and the meaning of  the final days of the Savior's ministry.

Easter Thoughts

by Cheryl Merrick
In submission to His Father’s will,
He, who possesses the power to create worlds,
allows nails to be driven into his flesh
that He might save His friends.

A Friend - Arabian Proverb

A Friend is one to whom one may pour out
 all the contents of one's heart,
chaff and grain together,
knowing that the gentlest of hands
 will take and sift it,
keep what is worth keeping,
and with the breath of kindness
 blow the rest away.

(Me at 19 with my good friend)

Here are some more of my favorite sayings.

Born that Man No More May Die

Some may think it strange to talk about death at Christmas time. They say this is a time to be merry- not to think of dying, but overcoming death is what we rejoice about at Christmas.

The authors of our Christmas carols understood this as shown in these words from Hark the Herald Angels Sing:

Born that man no more may die. Born to raise the sons of earth. Born to give them second birth. Hark! The herald angels sing "Glory to the newborn King!"