Meditations of a Latter-day Saint Woman: A New Year with Terminal Cancer

My ovarian cancer marker number (CA125) has been doubling each month for several months. By the end of December it was 1,000, with 35 being the point where you have cancer. By the end of January it will probably be 2,000; the end of February 4,000; the end of March 8,000; the end of April 16,000. Knowing this fast rate of growth, that my late stage ovarian cancer is incurable, and that my body is no longer able to endure any further treatments to delay the inevitable, I have, quite naturally, been thinking a lot about death.

I am glad that I have been able to be with my husband for 50 years and that my children are all grown and doing well, but I know it will be difficult for them after I am gone. My first concern is about leaving my husband. I know that he will be lonely when I can no longer be with him. It is my hope that he will continue to reach out and serve others. He still has much to give and could help so many people (he is a marvelous handyman), but also I know that by giving it will help him to be less lonely.

Though I want to remain here with my family, and especially with my husband, I know the Lord loves me and understands how exhausted my body is now. I have felt His presence and strength especially through this last year and a half as I have endured cancer treatments and surgeries. I also know that He will be with me and give me peace as I experience the end of my time here.

It is a great comfort to me to know that my spirit (me!) will continue to live after my body dies, and that I will receive my body back in the resurrection, but that it will be eternally strong, young, and healthy. I am looking forward to seeing family members who have preceded me and especially to seeing my dad and brother who both died from the BRCA2 gene which I also have. I feel that they have both been praying for me and are very concerned with how I’m doing.

I find it comforting to have heard that many people who have nearly died on this earth all say that it was so wonderful in heaven that they didn't want to return. I also know that people on the other side are nearby and can pray for those who are still here on earth. I like knowing that I will still be able to help those I love who remain on earth, and I look forward to doing meaningful things such as learning and helping others grow who are waiting in heaven.

I hope these words and links will help you look forward to death without being afraid, and comfort those who are missing the people they love who have moved to the other side. Besides these articles which I have found comforting, I am sharing my favorite book which brings me peace.

What Happens After We Die

Life After Death

Purpose of Life

How can I cope with the loss of a loved one