Building a Relationship Strong Enough to Withstand Cancer

Building a Relationship Strong Enough to Withstand Cancer

Sept 2021
When I started to write this a year ago, I had no idea what the year would bring.  I was surprised the end of June when I was diagnosed with stage 3C ovarian cancer and told that without treatment, I would have only a few months to live. What I thought of most was how I wanted to be with my husband and family. When we celebrated our 49th wedding anniversary a few weeks ago, I cried. I felt so grateful that we were still together and so overwhelmed with all the love and support my husband is giving to me to help me through the cancer treatments. 

As I've read the words I wrote, I've thought of my husband's commitment, love, and faith. He has told me how beautiful I am when I just have a few wisps of hair remaining. He has brought me food to eat, read to me, pushed me in a wheelchair, and done everything he could to help me. As he says, "We're doing this together."

It has been wonderful to have the supportive relationship we have built over these past 49 years to help me make it through these challenging times. Here are some principles which have helped us develop a relationship strong enough to withstand cancer. 

Be United in Goals

• If all you want is someone who will make you happy every moment, then don't get married. No one can make you happy, and a marriage based upon selfishness doesn't have a chance.
• If you expect the other person to give you wealth, prestige, constant amusement and excitement, or even brilliant, talented children you can live through, then forget it. You aren't ready to get married. 
• But if you have found a person who you admire, someone who brings out the best in you, and someone you want to nurture and love forever, then get married.
• To make a marriage work, it really helps if you have similar goals. Do you both want children? A marriage based on unselfishly bringing children into the world and nurturing them can be very strong. Do you agree on career goals? Where to live? How to live?
• If those goals include the same faith, or at least strong faith in a being beyond yourself who you can call on to help your marriage, then you can have more hope for a good marriage.

Be Committed

• If a person only wants a "trial" marriage intending on leaving the moment they are no longer "happy"; run!
• Life happens. Are your willing to be there to help your spouse through injuries, layoffs, financial "reversals", illness, teens, exhaustion, aging, and discouragement? (Remember, God will give you the strength you need to do it if you are committed and trying your best.)
• My husband and I promised each other that we would commit to our marriage forever. As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we believe that, with God's help, our marriage can continue for all eternity. 
• For us, that means that we don't consider quitting. It does not mean that we just "tough it out", but that we both try our best, and ask God's help. We don't give a few half hearted attempts to communicate, then quit, blaming our marriage failure entirely on our partner. 
• It means that we keep discussing things until we feel united, until we both can support the goal wholeheartedly. One person doesn't just submit, or give into the other to "keep the peace". 
• Unity creates peace, but it is often hard earned, requiring a lot of time and patience to achieve it.

Have Faith in Each Other

• Do you have a set of stereotyped expectations of what your husband or wife "should" be like? Do you love this real person, or some image you have in your mind? Are you always judging their actions looking for faults and seeing them failing to meet your needs? Do you really want or could you stand living with a clone of yourself?
• Are you willing to take responsibility to see that your needs are met instead of just expecting your spouse to somehow just know them and meet your needs without any effort on your part?
• Are you willing to keep trying to communicate? "I told him", or "she should know", don't count. If the other person isn't responding as you need them to, then they probably don't understand.
• Appreciate the effort. It is the trying that matters, not the perfection of our actions. For example,  since it is very difficult for my very precise, practical husband, to follow my philosophical ramblings, it makes me appreciate all the more that he makes the effort to talk with me. On the other hand, he is aware of how difficult managing details is for me, so he saves me from them by balancing the checkbook, running errands, and doing a lot of the routine housework which I appreciate. 
• Appreciate the person. Appreciate the other for who they are and try to help them be their best self. I don't expect him to be a contemplative poet, and he doesn't expect me to be a busy homemaker. Instead he praises my writing and painting, and I design building projects for him and help his business succeed. I notice and praise the many things he has diligently accomplished during the day.
• Be reasonable. I don't expect him to be his meticulous self all day, then relax and talk ideas all evening with me. He doesn't expect me to diligently keep up our home all day, then also cheerfully write and paint.

These principles have helped us and they can also help you have the marriage you desire. If you have reasonable expectations, are willing to be flexible, solve problems, have fun together, be united in goals, have faith in eachother, and are committed, you have what it takes. If you remember that good marriages take a lot of patience, a good sense of humor, don't have to be exciting every moment, and will require you to change and grow and give all the love you have, then you are prepared to enjoy a very long marriage.  

Note: I thought I should clarify a few things. Yes, I think you should keep trying in a marriage, but no one should endure abuse. I also am not talking about just enduring and each going your own separate ways, or one person giving in to the other's wishes to keep the peace. That is not a happy marriage!