For Us
He shops, cleans, does laundry,
and pays bills “for us”.
Allowing me the quiet time
I need to study and think,
so I can write “for us”.
Subsequent to re-posting For Us on Cheryl♥Anne’s blog, I read Designed for Covenant Relationships, a recent Brigham Young University devotional talk which amplifies and clarifies the true principles behind For Us far better than did my poor words. The author introduces her topic with these significant words:
“We are deeply relational beings, designed for radical dependence and connection. Marriage and family life . . . are not just the means to an end. Familial love and belonging are the end.”
This brilliant article is a must-read. The link is listed at the end of this post.
It’s quite audacious of me to claim that this short, simple poem is Cheryl♥Anne’s greatest, but I know its full meaning, since I’m part of it. Notice that I said “part”, not “half”; Christ is by far the Major Contributor to this story. It is Cheryl♥Anne’s greatest poem because it embodies the entire purpose of mortal life and the Gospel plan. That purpose is unity in marriage - and a few ideas on how it is achieved.
The process started long, long ago when “intelligences” were united with a spirit body, thus becoming a united being. The process continued when the spirit was united with a physical body and placed in a situation where that man or woman was given the freedom to choose between good and evil, while being subject to the demands and temptations of mortal life. In other words, will the spirit control the body or not? Joy in life comes when spirit and body are united to choose the good, which can only happen when we allow Christ to be our leader.
Then, if we are to become like God, another “added upon” event must occur. A man and a woman must be sealed together eternally by God’s authority on earth. But, that sealing does not make a man and a woman united. It only gives them the opportunity to work at becoming such. Remember Christ’s words: “if ye are not one, ye are not mine”.
The greatest joy that can come to a man and a woman in mortality is to become one, to be united. That is the essential message of For Us, not the writing or the laundry, but the unity
we achieved in our marriage (however imperfect it was, as we are not perfect). Cheryl♥Anne and I have tasted the joy that comes from being united in our marriage, but we want more. We want the full dinner of joy that comes from being united in the Celestial kingdom. Cheryl♥Anne has already done her part.How do we create unity in marriage? I can only speak for Cheryl♥Anne and myself, but I am sure that making Jesus Christ an integral part of our lives is indispensable. His power is needed; there is no other way. In spite of Cheryl♥Anne’s physical problems and my weaknesses , the power of Christ and his Gospel was greater than our deficiencies and blessed us with the joy of unity.
Our journey (and it WAS a journey) to unity began when the temple sealer told me that it was my responsibility to “carry her in my arms to the Celestial kingdom”. I was young and dumb (still feel that way) and didn’t know how to do that, but I did accept it as my responsibility. It still hurts to remember that I did so poorly for too many years. I will cherish Cheryl♥Anne eternally for her patience with me. But, then I asked God to change my heart - and He did, and many times after that.
He taught me that Cheryl♥Anne’s happiness was MY responsibility. I suspect that’s true in all marriages. I’ve always believed that if a woman loves a man enough to marry him, that if he treats her right, she’ll stick by him forever. I resolved many years ago that I wanted to treat her right, because I wanted her forever. That involved considerable repentance along the way, but I got better at it.
Achieving unity by treating her right begins with priesthood leadership. It is significant that the principle is stated as LEADership. That does not allow for any ruling, bossing, emotional blackmail, dictating, or making the final decision if we don’t agree. Leadership in the home means leading by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness, meekness, by love, and by kindness. Regrettably, it takes us men too many years to learn how to do it right (Cheryl♥Anne was my teacher), but the joy of the unity it creates is overwhelming! I can still feel that great joy as I write this, and suspect I always will. I prayed to have her beside me as I wrote this; I think she’s here.
Oh, how I love that woman whom I have served so many years! And, that brings up the process of Priesthood leadership and the joy and unity it creates. Presiding in the home is blessing the people. Priesthood is SERVICE, always has been, always will be. Jesus Christ, the head of the Apostles, performed the function of a slave when he washed their feet. I, as the head of my family, serve my wife. In a talk to the Priesthood brethren, V. Dallas Merrill of the Seventy said “Our ultimate destiny is to serve”. God serves, Christ serves, and we serve. That is the path to joy and unity in a marriage.
It’s appropriate to mention here that women do not need to be taught or told how to serve. It’s in their natures. You women know it; you are always looking for ways to serve others. You are always going out of your way and sacrificing your comfort to bless and comfort others.
One major consideration in treating Cheryl♥Anne right was helping her to achieve her goals. I think Cheryl♥Anne’s major goal in life was to choose the right. She didn’t need much help there; she had an unshakable testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, bolstered by spiritual experiences with relatives in the spirit world. Choosing the right together strengthened the unity in our marriage.
Another of Cheryl♥Anne’s goals was nurturing her children. She firmly believed - and practiced - that no other success can compensate for failure in the home. We both spent a lot of time with our children, and I always deferred to her decisions when deciding what actions to take. Raising good children strengthened the unity in our marriage.
You can’t really separate those first two items from Cheryl♥Anne’s goal of doing the Lord’s work. That took many forms. I supported and aided her in her Church callings, as she aided me in mine. She was distressed to know that her physical situation limited the number and kind of callings that she could perform. But, she could write! And write she did, blessing many lives in the process. Her poem Serving Differently addresses this topic.
As I’ve gotten this far in listing Cheryl♥Anne’s goals, I realize that they really can’t be separated. Cheryl♥Anne could not be happy unless she achieved success in ALL of them. Neither she nor I could be happy or feel unified if I failed to support her in any of them.
Cheryl♥Anne spent her entire married life encouraging unity in our marriage, unity in everything and every way possible. Unity (“For us”) was our major goal, and we worked at it every day. We learned that we had to be ourselves, but we also learned to appreciate our differences, and there were a lot! Yes, it’s a challenge for two very different people to become unified. But, the joy it brings is worth the effort.
Cheryl♥Anne had a great need to feel loved. Don’t we all? But, Cheryl♥Anne’s need was greater than many due to many previous years of feeling used, not loved. She felt loved by gentleness, kind words, a soft voice, appreciation, attentiveness, no criticism, helping her to achieve her goals, and all those things that are a part of a loving relationship. I even felt loved when she forbade me to send out any of my written communications until she edited it! It was a justified ban - she always made it much, much better. (Remember that as you read here, because I don’t have my editor for this writing). I felt her love because I knew she appreciated how I supported her in her goals, especially writing. She also supported me in every way she could.
Cheryl♥Anne had a tremendous NEED to write. Writing was her life. I don’t have the words to describe how much writing meant to her. Writing was a visible manifestation of her unusual talents. Not writing would be not living. But, writers have special needs. Writers require a lot of “quiet time to study and think”. Mark Twain’s wife built him a small cottage in the woods where he could be alone to write. I gave Cheryl♥Anne the sunniest room in the house for her writing room, painted it her favorite color, and never disturbed her in the midst of a writing project. Cheryl♥Anne lived close to the spirit. She would be the first to say that is where she got her writing inspiration.
A writer can’t have “study and think” time if they are also doing laundry, cooking, and all those other time-consuming house maintenance tasks. A writer can’t go back and forth between writing and household tasks. Performing one small task could take her out of the “writing mode” for the rest of the day. She says it best in A Writer’s Life. It was my privilege and blessing to support her creativity by performing the household tasks that I could do so easily without stress. I was happy to pay for those books she needed for her study time.
It was revealed to me during the night that I neglected to include a paragraph about Cheryl♥Anne being a light, so here it is before I post this morning. Cheryl♥Anne felt that she was called to use her writing talents to be a light on the hill. One of her faithful friends wrote to her, “Thank you for being a light.” Cheryl♥Anne’s mortal eyes needed assistance, but her spiritual vision did not. She had the rare talent of being able to clearly see the underlying assumptions and principles of events and writings, and people’s words, and to see the future consequences of actions. Everyone can see that in her writing, but I personally experienced what a blessing it was as it guided us in our quest for unity in our marriage.
And lastly, what is this writing “for us”? Cheryl♥Anne, ever sensitive, expressed concern that a good wife should be taking care of the house, not doing something that she enjoyed so much. Other people (me, of course) shouldn’t have to cover for her. This poem, For Us, was written after my repeated assurances that I would gladly do the housework if she would write “for us”, because her testimony of Christ’s Gospel that she was sending out into the world was also MY testimony, being shared in a way that I could not do. My housekeeping part was easy. SHE was doing the important work, and we were working IN UNITY to achieve our goals.
Please do not think that I am boasting. There is no room for boasting in a loving, united marriage. We were both simply doing the things that we each do best to achieve our shared goals, to create unity in our marriage, which unity is the source of the greatest joy that we can have on earth. We trust in God’s promise that “Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, Neither have entered into the heart of man, The things which God hath prepared for them that love him”. We yearn for the greater unity and joy that lies ahead.
We also cannot boast because it is Christ who has done all the work. As Jesus said, “I can do nothing of myself”; in like manner Cheryl♥Anne and I say we were guided and blessed for so long and in so many ways. The unity we achieved was beyond our mortal abilities. The inclusion of my actions in this article is simply to provide a few illustrations of how I believe a husband should preside in the home, how he should support and work with his wife to achieve their mutual goal: the inexpressible joy that comes to both of us from unity with her. My contributions were small compared to hers.
May God bless each of you as you strive to create that unity in marriage that is the purpose of mortal life, and the source of our greatest joy, now and eternally.
Garrett Merrick
This related article is a must-read: Designed for Covenant Relationships
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