My relationship with a "Strong, Silent" man

A friend, knowing that I am a very creative person, asked me how I get my "man of few words" to respond to me. I told her a few things, but when I learned that she also had a "silent type" husband, I thought there was probably more I could say. She told me that my suggestions, as a person who has been married to "a strong, silent" husband for nearly fifty years, was a help to her. This made me wonder what else I could say and has encouraged me to share my experience here. I'm sharing in the hopes that it will help some of you frustrated wives out there. 

Several women have mentioned to me what a great husband I have and what a close relationship we have. I can tell that they are comparing their husband to mine and to our relationship and finding theirs not measuring up. I almost laugh because my husband is not a "natural" relater and our good relationship didn't just "happen". It has taken a lot of work, tears, faith, and nearly half a century of effort. It doesn't come cheap, but things of great value never do. If you are willing to do more than just nag your husband to change, or sulk feeling mistreated, here are some ideas for you. 

• Accept Differences - Realize that you are married to a person who is very different from you. He is not like you just packaged differently. Try to understand what is important to him, what are his goals, and how he expresses his love. I have been astounded to realize that he is not "hiding" lots of feelings from me. Though he does have feelings which he is not very aware of, he prefers to keep his focus on accomplishing some task in the present. He really doesn't want his life "cluttered" with lots of emotions, but will discuss feelings if he sees purpose in it, such as improving our relationship.  

• Don't Judge - Just because to you silence means that a person is upset with you, or doesn't like you, or doesn't want to relate to you, do not assume it means the same thing to your husband. My husband appreciates silence. To him it means that he is in a secure, safe relationship where he can just be himself and relax. He appreciates not feeling pressured to have to always "say something" when we are together. It has taken me years of feeling "unloved" to finally realize that he has no idea what "I want" him to say.

• Appreciate what he does- My husband does not spend long romantic evenings quoting poetry, expressing his feelings, initiating time to "sit and talk", encouraging me to share how I'm feeling, remembering past romantic times, or discussing how we can "develop our relationship", but I still feel loved. Why? Because, each effort that he makes to please me is appreciated. I know how "unnatural" and difficult it is for him to try to understand me and meet my needs. It make me feel all the more loved that he is trying. 

• Showing Love - What did he do? This last week my husband listened to my ideas, proofread my articles, gave me back and shoulder-rubs, shared articles on several topics with me, and read a fun story to me. He took me out for bike rides and on a day trip to a state park, and he unplugged the toilet. He naturally shows his love by doing things for me, but has also learned to "speak my love language" a bit by discussing ideas with me and doing something with me each day that I enjoy. 

• Take Responsibility- My husband has a mind that can assimilate a lot of information, organize it, file it, and then execute projects where he uses all these facts to reach his goals. This is great gift. It also gives him a tremendous ability to concentrate on the "task as hand". I admire these abilities, but recognize that communicating feelings is not on his talents list. This is my strength. To make a good marriage I must "step up" and make sure that there is good communication between us.

• I Lead in Relating - I have strong ability to sense how others are feeling. I use this ability in communicating with my husband and in helping him learn better ways of relating with me and others. I identify what he "might" be feeling and discuss these feelings. I try to keep "on his turf" and logicly and calmly discuss how some word or action makes me feel and give him ideas of what he "could say instead" the next time he is in a similar situation. I don't wait for him to "sense" that I need to talk. I bring it up myself. I bring up problems, and we discuss solutions. I open the world of emotion to him and give him the whole picture.

• He Leads in Details - He notices things that need to be fixed and reminds me of tasks that need to be done. He makes sure that vitamins are ordered, bills paid, updates installed, and all the myriad of details are handled efficiently. He shares historical perspectives, world events, economics, building construction, and science with me. He has helped me to see the beauty in order and in the small details of life. I appreciate the balance and depth his perspective allows me to have.

• Help him develop communications skills - I was surprised when I became aware that my husband didn't "see" all that seemed so "obvious" to me.  I also had to explain to him that I need validation and that his responding when I say something and looking at me when I talk, helps me to feel his love and support. I had to have faith in his intentions and accept that he wasn't trying to be "mean" to me. He loves me and wants to make me happy, but he simply didn't know what I wanted and needed. I had to teach him my language.

• Appreciate Effort - The fact that someone with so little awareness of emotions is making an effort to "build a relationship" with me, shows great commitment and love on his part. He doesn't have to be as good at it as I am - he just needs to try. 

• Keep Trying - Change is difficult and takes a lot of time and effort.  I have patience with him when he is under stress and "blows it" forgetting all the relating techniques I've taught him. This is the same patience that I hope he will show me when I "lose it"  when I'm having to maneuver through something technical such as a new computer program.  

• Accept Limitations - He accepts that, as a creative person, my focus is often in my mind, not in the "real world". Therefore he "covers" for me so I can write and paint. He makes sure the things I start get finished such as making sure the laundry gets dried, or the stew turned off before it burns up. He, thankfully, "covers" as many details as he can for us, so I have the time and energy to create. For my part, I accept that he is a "detail" person and gratefully allow him to handle such things as bill paying, and filling out tax forms. He is grateful that I "save" him from having to deal with things that are hard for him such as seeing that correspondence and other communication matters are dealt with promptly, clearly, and with empathy.  

• Reasonable Expectations - I don't expect him to be other than he is, and he doesn't expect me to be like him. I don't expect him enjoy long philosophical discussions, or analysis of relationship problems. He realizes that long history lessons, or explanations of building procedures, will quickly tire me.  I make the effort to try and understand something about how to build, sports, history, and business. He makes the effort to understand relationship principles, personality type theory, and philosophy. We both try to keep our sharing short. When his eyes glaze over, I stop. I realize that he can't absorb any more for now, so I'll come back to it later. Ten minutes in the other's "world" is often about right for either of us. 

• Structure to Succeed - I try to remember that he is focused on details, so I shouldn't expect him to "switch gears" suddenly and talk about something emotional. He prefers to know what is coming so he can be prepared for it. I used to wait, and wait, and wait, for my husband to quit doing things and instead talk about our relationship or anything personal. It didn't happen. He is either doing, or he is asleep. In desperation, I would try to get him to talk to me, but I felt like I was stepping out in front of a freight train going at full speed and trying to flag it down. 

• Schedule - This is what I did to communicate. Knowing that he is a diligent schedule follower, I simply added relating time to his schedule. It worked wonderfully! Now, that he is retired I schedule as "our time", first thing in the morning (when working, weekend mornings), at meals, breaks from work during the day, and before bed. I also schedule relaxing time in the evening, outings, and activities. If I didn't schedule, he would constantly, and happily, live only "in his element" accomplishing some detailed project. Sure, he would "get a lot done", but he would also be lonely without any relationships. He needs my help to provide this balance in life. 

• Relate in different ways- Since he is not a "natural" relater, we have found structured ways to help us develop a closer relationship. He shares with me "highlights" from things he is reading, and from the news. He reads a fun story to me after meals, and we usually watch an upbeat movie in the evenings. This gives us common ground from which I can introduce many points, principles, patterns, and questions for us to discuss. I appreciate that he is always looking for articles on things I might like so that he can share them with me. 

• Relate by sharing talents - He explains his building projects to me, and I ask questions and bring up possible options, then we finalize the plan together. For example, I come up with ideas for our landscaping, he brings up problems, we solve them together (his details and my creativity), then he makes it happen. I also use my creativity and communication skills to help him be successful with his businesses. In turn, he helps me with my writing. He is the ultimate proofreader, discusses ideas with me, encourages me, and gives me the time to write. He also encourages me to paint and study. He tells me that I'm doing it "for us". 

• Speak his language - My husband isn't aware of his feelings and even less aware of others' feelings. Since dealing with emotions is something he doesn't feel very competent with, he will not initiate "relationship talk". In fact, he would rather just completely ignore emotions. Knowing that you can't have a close relationship without considering emotions, I make sure we deal with them anyway. I try to make the discussion as comfortable for him as possible by not demanding that he tell me how he is feeling. It isn't productive anyway for as he says, "I'm not feeling anything" (that he is aware of and can express). I analyze issues, identify emotions and explain those feelings, then offer ideas and solutions. I ask his opinion and if he sees any problem with the solution. We logically and calmly (his turf) discuss emotional topics (my comfort zone). 

• Be clear- I've learned not to assume that he understands what I'm saying, how to do something, or even that he, as the supreme concentrator, even heard me. Though it is hard for me, I've learned to quit expecting him to "read my mind", and instead clearly and gently, tell him my feelings and what I need him to do. Knowing that he easily becomes overwhelmed when put in the "sea of emotions", I support him by teaching him the communication skills he needs to be a successful husband, father, and businessman. and our relationship grows.

So, how have I learned to relate with a man who focuses on details? It hasn't been by becoming clones of each other and thereby eliminating any conflict. It hasn't been by my submissively suppressing my feelings and personality, or by him morphing into a dreamy romantic. Actually, I'm more creative now than I've ever been, and he still concentrates on doing things as much as ever. The difference is that instead of sulking because "I'm unloved", I am bravely "put myself out there" teaching him how to be a good husband for me. 

It works. When I was writing this, I came up to my husband who was working, as usual. He stopped, looked at me and waited for me to say something.  As he said later, "I knew you would need to talk about your writing." Wow! It is coming!

But, it isn't over. We both have to always remember to try to have faith in the other's good intentions and in their love. Since every day we keep making the effort to communicate, we keep getting better at understanding each other. We now appreciate our differences and use them to make a strong relationship. I appreciate his astounding abilities with details, and he enjoys my amazing creativity. We are each full partners, sharing all we have, and are, to make something special - a close, lasting relationship.