I have been struggling with writing this post for a month. I think part of the reason is a reluctance to worry others. Since my double mastectomy two months ago, a few people have told me how great it is that I don't have to worry about cancer anymore. I just couldn't tell them the real situation. Yes, it is true that with the BRCA gene, I had an 80% chance of getting breast cancer and that I now only have a small chance of ever developing breast cancer. This is wonderful and a great relief to me.
It is also true that I am recovering well from the double mastectomy. Now, my thin scars are just a little tight, and I have some numb spots which should improve, but I'm not experiencing pain any more. I am continuing to do arm stretching exercises, and though I tire easily, I am able to do a little more each week. I can visit with family, go on short walks, ride my electric bike, and do a little light housekeeping such as wash some laundry, make beds, and dust mop.
What I haven't wanted to say is that I've never been very concerned with the possibility of breast cancer. My real worry has been about my Stage 3 Ovarian Cancer returning. Ovarian cancer is often fatal because there isn't a reliable test for ovarian cancer and there often aren't any symptoms until it is well advanced. This is what happened to me. My cancer wasn't discovered until all the organs in my abdomen were covered with cancer. I was blessed that it was discovered before the cancer had penetrated my organs or migrated to other parts of my body.
Though they took out everything I could spare: uterus, part of my omentum (fat apron over abdomen), and all visible cancer, and the chemo killed a lot of the cancer, I was only able to have four out of the six chemo treatments. The bottom line is that stage 3c ovarian cancer has an 80% chance of returning. At present it is in remission, but it is likely to return. When it does, no matter where the cancer ends up, it will always be called by the place it originated, so even if it is in my brain, it will be called ovarian cancer, but the most likely area that ovarian cancer will return will be in my abdomen. My surgeon kidded that she really should have taken out all my insides, but since I needed the rest, she left my other organs.
So now what? I am now taking the cancer medication, Lynparza, which doubles my chance of being alive in five years from 20% to 48%. So though the Lynparza makes me tired, draggy, takes away my appetite and most of my sense of taste, makes me mildly anemic, and is causing sciatic nerve pain, it is all manageable. In November, I will have been on Lynparza for a year and hope to continue taking it for another year to increase the chance of my cancer remaining in remission. Each month that it remains in remission gives hope for the development of new cancer treatments which may help.
Now, I am at a point of trying to eat well, exercise as much as I can, get plenty of rest and relaxation, think positively, and do frequent monitoring to see if the cancer is returning. I have blood tests most months to see if my blood cells and kidneys are being destroyed by the Lynparza medication and to see if my CA125 cancer marker is elevated. So far my blood cells are all low, but not seriously low, and all my other indicators (blood pressure and such) are good.
If my CA125 cancer marker goes up, then I will have to do further testing, probably with CAT scans or MRIs to see if the cancer is returning. I will have to face a high possibility of reacting to the dyes used in these tests and having anaphylactic shock. If the cancer returns, there may be some medication they can give me, but they probably will not be able to give me any more chemo. I have been told that I'm not a good candidate for chemo since I went into anaphylactic shock during my last three chemo treatments. It is possible that they may do surgery or even radiation. I keep in mind that it is common for late stage ovarian cancer to have several cycles of activity and remission.
So what does all this mean? Well, it means that we probably won't make our 75th wedding anniversary. In fact, it is probable that I will not reach the present life expectancy of 80 years for a woman in the United States, nor is it likely that I will live the extra six to ten years that is typical among members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. * So I am trying to accept that my life is most likely going to be shorter than hoped and that the time will probably be filled with the challenges of many tests, surgeries, medications, and hard decisions.
To put this in perspective, it is too late for me to die young. I am already 72 years old, which is far longer than most of the world has ever lived. I should have died a year ago, but I've been blessed to have this extra time. I've done a lot of things, learned and grown a lot, and loved and helped others. I've enjoyed my time here and feel at peace about my future.
I know it sounds strange, but I'm much happier now than I was before I had cancer. I used to be so fearful. I felt that with my other health problems, I'd never be able to handle surgery or cancer, but now I have confidence that I can face anything, for I now know that the Lord will be there and help me through it. He has helped me be prepared to deal with cancer in many ways such as assisting me find out more about my allergic reactions so my surgery could go better. My Savior was with me when I went into anaphylactic shock during each of my three later chemo treatments (the first was ok), and He gave me the peace and strength to try the chemo again an hour after each reaction.
I now realize that it is not our experiences in life, but our reaction to them that determines our happiness. Some choose to huddle as a fearful, helpless, "victim", deceived into believing that immediate gratification of wants indicates that God loves them, and vainly expecting that a stagnant life of ease will somehow give them happiness. Having cancer put me in a situation where I needed to become more "proactive" to survive. I had to take that "leap of faith" and choose to move ahead believing that God would give me the courage and strength to do what was needed and that He would turn each experience into an opportunity for me to grow, which He has done.
This has been a good year for me. I have learned a lot, our family relationships have never been better, and all the love others have shown to me has changed my life. Most of all, I have learned to trust that the Lord loves me and knows what experiences I need to help me grow and have greater joy in my life. I hope I have helped some people grow, and I intend to continue to do all I can to have the best health possible, learn and grow, enjoy all that I can, and love others until I "graduate" and continue my growth on the other side of the veil with my friends and family who have gone before me. I don't know all that is going to happen in my life, but I do know that the Lord will be with me, and it will be good.
* To learn more about the inspired health code that I as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints have chosen to live see:
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