have in a very long time. A month ago I was having more trouble eating, having bad heartburn, and not only losing my appetite, but I was also losing weight which I couldn't afford to do. I was getting to the point where I was having trouble walking out to our vehicle. The fatigue was increasing and I was becoming weaker. The headaches were getting worse, and I experienced dizziness when I stood or walked. I was also having sharp chest pains and was out of breath when I did just a little bit. The toughest thing for me was the depression. I'd see or hear something, then suddenly burst into tears. My husband encouraged me to drink more water so I wouldn't get dehydrated! (He also gave me plenty of hugs.)
I thought that all these symptoms were probably caused by my cancer growing again, and I felt that the end was nearing. On the last day of October, my cancer doctor confirmed that the Lynparza cancer medication, which I had been taking for the last year to keep my cancer from returning, was no longer working and I could stop taking it. The next day, I had a little more energy and I even felt hungry! After two weeks, the heartburn and headaches are minimal, I've put on a couple of pounds (back to a good weight for me), and I have built up to being able to walk a half mile. The best thing that after being off the medication for two weeks, the tears just stopped. At last I feel like me again!
I hadn't realized that the sudden increase in all these "normal" Lynparza side effects meant that I was no longer tolerating the medication. I am feeling so much better without it. After two major surgeries and a year and a half of constantly taking medication which has been poisoning not only my cancer cells but all of me, my body has had it. I have now reached the point where the risk of serious, and possibly fatal, side effects from the cancer medication is a more imminent danger to me than the cancer itself.
Presently, there are not any tumors, but instead I have small cancer cells covering all my abdominal organs. This type of cancer, especially at such a late stage and with the BRCA2 gene mutation, is not curable. We had hoped that we would have several years before the cancer began growing again, but we only had seven months. The goal in all my cancer treatments has always been to give me as long as possible before the cancer returns and, when it is no longer in remission, to help me have the best quality of life for as long as possible.
The good thing is that I don't feel any pain or any noticeable symptoms at all. When my cancer was diagnosed a year and a half ago, my cancer count was nearly 2000 (35 is the point where you have cancer) and I didn't have any pain. This is one of the problems with ovarian cancer, you don't have any warning symptoms. I hope I will continue to not have any symptoms til the end. It is too soon to tell how fast the cancer is growing so we will keep monitoring it. We expect that the anemia caused by the Lynparza will be turning around and my red blood cells will be increasing which should help me feel better.
It is a challenge not to know if I will live for years or just for a few months. I have been pressing and now have finished my family history photo and story recording project on FamilySearch.org. I have also gathered together all the information (birth dates, links to info about local events, how to handle Christmas, etc) that I can to assist my husband when I can no longer be here with him. Everything is almost set for him, and he is feeling more confident about being able to deal with life without me beside him. I'm so grateful that he will have our children and grandchildren, and good neighbors to give him support. I'm also grateful to know that I will always be nearby and that I will be aware of his and our family's lives and able to pray for them. It also comforts me to know that our family will join me when their time is finished on this earth and then we can be together always.
I have been ill my entire life and through these trying experiences, I have come to know that the Lord loves me, knows me, and will help me through anything. Recently with cancer, He has helped me, a person unable to take any medication and whose adrenal glands failed for 15 years, make it through chemo, a hysterectomy, taking cancer medication for a year, and through a double mastectomy, all with a sense of peace. I know He will continue to help and strengthen me to deal with whatever I need to face, and I trust His judgement of when is the best time for me to return home. In the meantime, I am going to keep exercising, eating well, studying the scriptures, learning new things, getting outside, thinking positive, loving others, enjoying life, and being grateful for all the blessings I've had in the past and do have each day.
Note - We had a major blessing this last week when a commercial ladder dropped on my husband's head. He only had a small clean cut which is healing well.
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